Who We Are
by Merilsell
Summary: "It is difficult. All things worth keeping are." - A series of linked Shenko oneshots, spanning all three games in a random order. It shows how they became who they are, in a time where nothing is ever easy but worth the fight. Spacer/War Hero/Vanguard/Paragade.
1. The Dress

**A/N:** God, I'm so nervous to write for another fandom than Dragon Age, but it's just stuck too much in my head, especially after gaming through ME3. This FF is cathartic attempt to get over my frustration with the crappy ending and to explore the character of my F!Shepard ...and Kaidan more than the game(s) allowed me to do. So it will be very Shenko-centric, spanning all three games, in a short(ish) snapshot style and random order, but not at all (purely) rainbows and fluffy bunnies. Love and life is never easy, after all, especially when one is destined to save the galaxy from itself.

**Disclaimer: **Mass Effect trilogy belongs to Bioware. If it wouldn't, it had a better ending, because a lobotomized pigeon could have written a better ending while crapping randomly on the keyboard. Just saying.

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**The Dress**

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Kaidan entered Shepard's cabin without knocking, with the casual ease of someone being always welcomed.

"Shepard, I have some data –" He froze mid-sentence, seeing the woman who could easily reduce a full squad of grown, battle-hardened marines to a wimpy mess, staring at her open closet. She was about to change into more comfortable clothing and apparently not in the slightest perturbed by his intruding. Her nearly bare back was turned to him, only hued in the straps of her black bra and the blue light of the notorious empty fish tank. It gave her skin an even paler, almost translucent tone and for a moment, Kaidan allowed himself to let his mind and eyes wander.

_The benefits of happiness, indeed._

"Kaidan, has there much changed within the Alliance during the years when I was not..._there?" _She deliberately avoided to use the term 'dead', which was a silent but mutual agreement between the two after having sorted everything out. Not that it wasn't a topic he hadn't dealt with, quite the opposite. He coped for two numbing years with the horrible fact of her..._absence_ and therefore simply didn't want a reminder of it. Not when she was there, _alive_, breathing, loving him.

Without being aware of it, he stepped closer to her, a bit confused about the origin of her question. "Why?"

She still didn't move one inch from her task of staring the unfortunate closet down. "Because apparently the Alliance thought it necessary for me to possess a _hooker_ outfit." As if to prove this point, she turned, a black, leathery..._something_ propped up and held over her chest.

Kaidan blinked and stared, mind momentarily blank. Only seconds later, he couldn't stop the snort escaping his throat, which quickly changed into a full-fleshed laughter.

Shepard still stood motionless in front of him, if a bit bewildered and with her eyebrows raised. "Honestly, _when_ should I wear this? To seduce the Reaper into leaving again or the fucking pighead of a Salarian into cooperation after I cured the Genophage?"

"I don't know, it might be worth a try, Lis." That earned him a swat on his arm and he feigned to be injured, if only for her benefit. "But are you...err...sure it is really yours?"

"Look," She pointed with a pout toward the upper side of the nothing of a dress." It even has a tiny N7 there. Seriously, Kaidan, that wasn't standard military equipment back in the Normandy SR1."

"You are right." He grinned. "I think I'd have noticed that." Another swat, but it was worth the pain and her sulking. Alone the thought of Commander Shepard – no – _his_ Shepard strutting about in _that_ kind of dress, uniting the galaxy... Well, he wasn't the kind of guy who had a taste for cheap, so it was more amusing than arousing.

Shepard rolled her eyes with a sigh. "The things I find when searching for my tanktop, I swear. That was buried in a corner of my closet. Ugh, I wish it had stayed there."

One corner of his mouth quirked up. "Hmm, the blue one? I might know where that is, though."

"Oh, so you are holding my clothes captive?" The sulking forgotten, her tone dropped into a low, playful note that never failed to make him shiver. "This is a serious breach of protocol, Major."

"Not when it is _you_ forgetting it in my room, Commander. And especially not when it is left in my bed."

Oh how he loved their teasing.

Within the times of hunting Saren and having to heed the regs, they had perfected the game of suggestive words and _look-but-don't-touch_. Now both of them didn't give a damn about such tiny things such regs in the scope of greater events such as the war, but the teasing was still as exciting as ever.

"Hmm, true. I give you that, Alenko." There it was, the little mischievous curl of her lips he always found so kissable. But he remained in his place, only inches away from her body, unwilling to give in yet. It was her who eventually closed the gap and her warmth encompassed his senses in an instant. "So for whatever shall I use this dress now, I wonder? Is this a new shore leave thing I missed? Something you would like to see me in, perhaps?"

"No." His hands wandered over her bare sides, reveling in the feel of the soft skin. "Aside the fact that I find it more arousing to see you biotically smash hostiles in the field..." He stopped, too distracted by the tilt of her head and the soft sigh as he nipped her neck. "...I like it best when you wear _nothing_ at all." With a growl, Kaidan heaved her up to carry her over to the bed, the offending dress long forgotten.


	2. Coincidences

_**A/N:** Growing up amidst marine soldiers, my otherwise oh-so-well behaving Shepard has a very potty mouth. Hence the overall M-rating as the f-bombs will fly low here) Also this story is un-betad, so excuse any (grammar) mistakes made or overlooked.  
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**Coincidences **

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Kaidan awoke to the incessant beeping sound of his Omni-tool, the room around him still dark. Groaning and one hand protectively held on his head, he pressed the button for audio-play, if only to make the beeping stop.

_Hey man, _

_The Normandy is one hell of a ship. I can't believe I'll be flying this baby. Oh, and also: Where the hell are you?_

_Fuck._

He was awake and up in an instant, ignoring the protesting pulsing of his head at the motion.

Kaidan Alenko was a man who liked to be prepared and in control, no matter the situation. The scattered data pads around his private terminal with information about his new assignment spoke volumes about this fact. What he didn't expected was the bitch of a migraine hitting him in the middle of the night all the sudden and the meds letting him pass out beyond oblivion and any alarm clock.

_Way to make impression as a stable L2, Alenko. _

He allowed himself a self-depriving snort while roaming through his meticulously prepared package to get dressed as quickly as humanly possible. He was terrible late and _hated_ it, but he still could make it.

ETA of the Normandy 3000. Current time: 3015.

_Either way, Captain Anderson is going to kill me...-_

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Alison Shepard was a woman who had made perfection to the most basic rule of her life.

'_Coincidence_' was ripped out of her usage of words, stomped on and shot dead. It simply wasn't _there_, as she always had a plan. For everything. And if the plan one to three should ever fail she could always revert to number four and blow shit up. Especially the latter helped her astonishingly good in the time of the Skyllian Blitz on Elysium. And her ability to wrap people around her finger with mere words was certainly helpful while growing up as the navy brat that she was. She was a tad manipulative, perhaps, but it held the bunch of adolescent marines in a comfortable distance, if her gun failed to do the job. The Alliance and the rules were her life, ever since her mother decided to pop her out on a starship.

She was home in space, never knew anything but the Alliance and to salute to everything not edible, never _wanted_ to. It was comfortable, within the realms of familiarity she had established for herself. Controlled and save. Having a plan, being prepared for _everything_ had saved her ass more than once.

Being a shiny poster example of the best the Alliance has to offer? Check. Disassemble and rearrange a weapon under one minute? Check. Cower in a hole and hold off thousands of Batarian until reinforcements arrives? Check. Being late on the first day of your assignment as XO on the Normandy? Fuck, fuck, fuck.

With one single day of oversleeping all her carefully laid out plans for this assignment, all the preparation went downhill and it wouldn't even help to blow stuff up now. Racing through the tiny broom closet the Alliance so flowery praised as '_temporally living accommodation_', Shepard claimed her gear and got ready in a time her first instructor would have been proud of. One last glance to her Omni-tool before leaving caused a stream of curses all the marines she ever had met so far would let blushing like little boys.

ETA of the Normandy 3000. Current time: 3015.

_Shit. Captain Anderson is going to kill me. _

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Well, if things screw up, at least there was always a silver lining.

In a battle surrounded by enemies when the weapon overheated, it was reverting back to underdeveloped biotics. Here it was the relatively short way to Normandy's dock. If Shepard had a choice, she would take surrounded by enemies every day over being _late_.

It certainly didn't help that she ran more than once into and over someone and _something_ in her urgent need to get her late ass where it belonged. If she'd have a spare second, she probably would take her pistol out and fire it into the air to clear the way. Alas, she hadn't the luxury of time to even _try_, so running as if hundreds of Batarian's were behind her it was.

The Normandy was almost in sight as she bumped into a particular sturdy..._someone_, who sent her reeling. Auburn hair mussed and glowering, Shepard got up in record time and reclaimed her sea bag from the ground to keep running without looking back.

"Hey madam," Alenko blinked after the quickly running and vanishing ball of energy. "You have lost your..._dog-tag?_" Looking down at his hands, he took a second, closer check at the tag and froze.

N7. Shepard. The hero of Elysium. His new XO.

Shit.

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After what felt like millions of _"No Sir, it will never happen again, Sir_" and saluting the hell out of himself, Kaidan was allowed to stay and dismissed.

At least until the executive officer were to meet the crew, according to the protocol. While left and right of him, the younger marines were giddy with glee of meeting THE Commander Shepard, he wasn't exactly looking forward to this event. In fact, he could list one million and a half places where he now rather would be after bumping harshly into his new XO. He had a flawless service record and countless recommendations and still couldn't shake off the feeling of being utterly screwed. But since Kaidan was a good, obedient soldier, he stayed put in place and took the impending doom like a man.

The woman who stepped into sight had no resemblance with the wild ball of energy earlier this day. Calm and nearly emotionless, she nodded at every name Anderson told her and shook hands whenever the moment afforded it. She was now dressed in her N7 armor and within an aura of authority which literally screamed _don't-fuck-with me-or-I'll make your life-into-a-living-hell-in-no-time_. Kaidan had absolutely no doubt of her ability in this department, which made his first and earlier, well, _meeting_ with her only worse.

She were only two giddy marines away from him, causing his heart to race and his hands to go sweaty. While her achievements were without a doubt more than impressive, he wasn't particular the type for hero worshiping like his fellow marines. He was more worried of getting the right words out after the hell of a day. Or _any_ words that were NOT '_Ma'am, an honor to bump into you earlier, ma'am,'_ for that matter.

Shepard stopped in front of him and nodded at the time his name fell, blue eyes bright and observing. Maybe he was imagining it, but the cool poise in her expression cracked for the moment of an arched eyebrow and a faint quirk of lips before she turned away.

Yep, he was doomed. No doubt about it.

And then there was still the matter of her dog-tag he still had. Alenko sighed.

_Brilliant_.

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Shepard liked to get to know the crew, to know with whom she would work with an undefined amount of time.

She just couldn't stand the formal..._circus_ it involved. She knew it was a needed evil, a rule and standard procedure demanded of her as an XO, so she smiled and got over with it despite personal dislike. The job and mission came always first and if someone asked her to jump she would only demand to know _how high_.

Nevertheless, she would lie if she wasn't glad to have at least the time to stuff her gear into the locker until further usage. The Normandy was impressive, larger than any frigate she ever served on. The hall behind her was nearly vacant, the light dimmed and she allowed herself to breathe out, to let the tension float away.

_This is why you don't fuck with the rules, Lis. Because then they come and bite you back in the ass._

Though all things considering, her assignment had progressed smoothly. She had seen and experienced _worse_.

"Ma'am?" In an instant she had corrected her stance into a regal one, even before the shadow of the person was fully visible.

Always in control.

And still to see the Lieutenant from moments earlier saluting to her, to feel a distinctive hum of biotics was..._unexpected_. "Yes, Lieutenant?"

He was standing in front of her, calmly, the perfect poise of a soldier. "Permission to speak freely?"

She stiffened at the wish, wasn't in the particular mood to hear another worship of her deeds on Elysium like she had heard it floating around. In spite she heard herself say,"Granted. What is it?"

He made one small step forward, just enough to hand her something and withdrew again. "I think you have lost this here, ma'am."

"I.."Shepard looked down and recognized her dog tag. Her mind raced with the question when she had lost it and _why_. "Oh," she only said as she finally remembered. "Been late too today, huh, Lieutenant?"

He seemed too taken aback by her sudden casual tone, if the blinking was any indication. "Ma'am?"

"I mean, thank you, Lieutenant..." Stopping, she racked her brain for the name and astonishingly found it in a corner of it. "...Alenko."

He gave the slightest acknowledging nod, saluted and went his way, almost stoic in its calmness.

_Huh,_ Shepard heard herself thinking, looking down at the dog tag in her hands, _maybe sometimes coincidences aren't so bad after all. _


	3. Encounter

**Encounter**

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"Have you eaten properly lately, my dear? You know you need to watch your calorie income as a biotic."

Suddenly feeling seventeen again, Shepard crossed her arms and glowered at the blue flickering hologram projection in front of her. "Yes, mother. I'm a grown up, I know _how_ to eat."

Hannah Shepard paused in a thinking motion, obviously not believing her, but willing to change the topic. "I heard Major Alenko has been assigned to your crew a while ago. Have you two finally made up?"

"There are regs for a reason," she answered quickly to brush _that_ particular topic off and sighed. Wasn't there a war to fight, a Crucible to build somehow?

Hannah Shepard's hologram shrugged. "Never stopped your father and me."

"This is getting increasingly _awkward_," Shepard muttered under her breath in the hope she wouldn't catch it. But of course mother's of any sort, especially those of the _Rear Admiral_ sort never failed to hear what they _shouldn't_.

"Oh, don't be like that, my dear. He is such a nice guy and a very capable marine, too. I read his file. Impressive."

"You did..._what_?"

"Of course, I did," her mother answered, utterly unimpressed of her strong reaction."I'm interested in who the people around you are. And off the record – Alenko is a very good choice, not only as a soldier. So you shouldn't wait too long, Lis."

"Well..." Shepard shifted from one foot to the other and suppressed the ever growing urge to flee.

Uniting Krogans, the Turians and Salarians under one banner and end the Genophage? No problem. Reaching peace between Quarians and Geths and then afterwards killing a Reaper on foot? Easy. Speaking with her mother about her love life? _Impossible_.

The pause stretched into an embarrassing length. "I'm so glad you are okay, mother," Shepard said rather lamely to end the silence, though _meant_ it. It had been too long without a sign of life of her and she had already feared the worst.

"We Shepards are a tough bunch, after all." Her holographic portray smiled in a warm, affectionate way of a mother. "I'm proud of you and what you have achieved, Alison. _Everyone_ here is. And if your father would be still with us, he would be too. Never doubt that."

"Thank you." In the bleak times of war and so many losses it felt good to hear that, soothing, somehow. Not from the Rear Admiral Shepard's point of view, but _family_. From someone who actually _used_ her first name.

"I have to go back to work. But once this war is over, you are going to visit me, you hear me? It has been too long since I have seen you in person." A pause. "You _and_ Major Alenko, of course."

"Mother..." Shepard let out an exasperated groan, which the Rear Admiral deliberately ignored. She was, like every parent, an expert in this.

"Send Major Alenko greetings from me. And take care out there, my dear. Shepard out."

Shepard stared a moment longer at where her mother's hologram had been and muttered a single "_awkward_" into its direction. Then she turned to leave the Comm room, her head shaking but with a faintest smile.

Being the leader in a galactic war or not, some things never seemed to change.

And that was comforting somehow, too.

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On her way toward the Starboard Observation deck, Shepard nearly bumped into Garrus and only an elegant sidestep of the Turian hindered the collision.

"Shepard, coming to see me?" He chuckled as she blinked up to him, uncharacteristically dumbfounded. "Or rather _another_ certain one, I'm sure."

"Not you _too_, Garrus." Face straight again, only her tone gave her exasperation away and that also just involuntary. She was very matter-of-fact and business-like with her relationship with Kaidan, even though she felt like a giddy teenager inside every time she was around him. The fact was, she didn't feel the need to show it off to her crew and kept it private, behind closed doors. Nevertheless her efforts to part business from what little private life she had, their relationship was an open secret to everyone of her crew. And the more time passed, the less Shepard found herself to mind them teasing her about it.

Just not today.

Garrus tilted his head, a smirk tugged around the small, lipless mouth. "Huh, apparently Vega is a more braver man than I thought him to be. Or more stupid. Especially after the last time where you made him hit the wall. Quite literally."

"No." Shepard snorted at the memory of James taking a biotic fly, after he dared her to call her 'Lola'. Not with much force, but enough to tell him her opinion about ridiculous, improper nicknames for commanding officers. "It was actually my mother nagging me about, well, _it_. I spoke with her after the debriefing with Admiral Hackett."

"So she is alive? That are wonderful news, Shepard. I know you were worried," He shook his head, smiling, "...even if you never show it."

"Know me too well, huh?" She sighed, though not completely serious. "Yes, thankfully she is alive and kicking like a Shepard should. She is helping to build the Crucible, even. No surprise here, my mother was always the tech expert of us both. I'm more useful when it comes to blow devices up instead to repair them. That it way is more fun, anyway."

"Not to forget to throw loud-mouthed Lieutenant's into the wall after their fit of insubordination," Garrus added, amused.

"Indeed." Shepard chuckled, but it fell flat, felt not right. "...Have _you_ heard from your family, Garrus?"

"Yes, gladly my father and sister made it off Palaven. It was tight, but they made it." He sighed, a long, suffering tone. "Many other families won't be as lucky as me. Though we need all the good news we can get right now, as few as there are in this war."

"Yeah." Stiffening, Shepard glanced away from the turian, eyes straying toward the wide mess hall behind them. The situation on every planet grew more tense, more dire with each day. The Reaper invaded and claimed more and more systems in such an effortless way it was devastating. She had the feeling to run out of time before she was ready, always felt of having not done enough. These lingering doubts never faded away, no matter how many prior antagonized people she miraculously managed to unite for the war.

"Say Kaidan hi from me, Shepard." There was a pat on her shoulder. "He also still owes me a poker match. But for now, do what you wanted to do and leave the rest aside. You deserve it and not only because you killed a Reaper on foot."

She gave him the slightest nod and smile, before turning toward her initial destination.

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"Found anything so far, EDI?" Kaidan sat on the leather couch upon her entrance, the broad back square and tense as he waited for the A.I. to answer.

"Negative, Major. At least in the direct sense. There are, however, certain pattern proofing worth further investigation to find the students you seek for. I will direct my efforts into this direction immediately, if you wish so, Major."

"Yes, please do this, EDI." A pause. "And thank you."

"You are welcome. Since Shepard arrived, I will turn off the surveillance system for this room and refrain from messaging you or Shepard, save an emergency case. EDI out."

"Huh, wonder when she will start to dim the light and let cheesy romantic music play whenever I enter your room."

In an instant the music playing in the corner changed to exactly _that_ and the light grew more dark, much to Shepard's amusement and dismay alike.

She looked up, eyes rolling. "That was a joke, EDI."

"She is...err, very considerate." Kaidan chuckled as still nothing changed, despite Shepard's protesting. "And totally enjoying this."

"Yeah, obviously." Giving up with a sigh, she made her way around the couch and let herself fall onto it and right next to him.

"Hey," he said as by a way greeting and in a tone that was fully reserved for her. "I'm glad you are stopping by, Shepard."

Turning, she glowered at him. "Cut that Shepard crap, Alenko. I left Commander Fucking Shepard outside this door."

"I see." As if wanting to placate her, he embraced and pulled her closer to himself, his tone adapted a flirty note. "So this is another sanity check, Lis?"

Enjoying his warmth and closeness she curled herself into his arms, head leaning onto his chest. "Sort of. Though I think not much of sanity is left by now. "A pause." Yep. Check. It has left, ran and reached for the evac capsules to not get down with the ship of insanity." She grimaced a moment later as she realized that this analogy might _not_ be the best one to choose in Kaidan's presence. "Especially after talking with my mother today," she quickly added to cover it up.

"Oh?" The hand caressing her back briefly stopped its soothing motion and he had the decency not to comment upon her slip up. "Alyssa, that is amazing. All this time I have been talking about my mother, while you haven't heard of yours since we left...earth?" Kaidan smiled and kissed her forehead. "I'm glad to hear she is safe."

"Yes, me too." Shepard breathed out, relaxing again. "Aside from being her usual nosy self, she seems to insist the whole time that I should break regs. Which is more than awkward and weird coming from a Alliance Rear Admiral." She paused, biting her lip. "And I should greet you."

"Me? Not that I'm not flattered, but _why?_"

"You tell me, Major. She seems to be fond of you, even read your file to get to know you and your qualifications better. Which is all shades of awkward, by the way." She snorted."This is what I get for having a mother in the Alliance _way_ above my own rank."

Kaidan, apparently sensing a new opportunity to tease the hell of her, said exactly what she didn't want to hear. "Maybe we can visit her when this is over. " And then, he smirked. Glorious bastard.

"What? No, no, no. _Awkward_. Stop right there, Alenko, this is an order!"

His lips only curled more up. "I outrank you now."

The Major card. Great. Shepard sighed in frustration. "No, seriously, Kaidan. I can handle a battle field full of husk and brutes with ease, but _not_ my mother. There is a reason why we work on different assignments since I signed up to serve the Alliance."

"I don't know why you are so opposed this, Lis. I think your mother is a nice person."

"What?" She frowned at him. "How can you say this? You haven't even met her."

Kaidan didn't answer or look at her, his eyes grew distant –

… _and remained unfixed into nothingness. He refused to look at the brown wooden coffin in the middle, countless flowers and medals framing it. Her photo, an official Alliance one, was placed on top of it._

_He refused to look at it, too._

_Kaidan was distinctively aware of someone praising her sacrifice, her heroic deeds for humanity and it felt wrong in every way. Everything about her fune – _this – _was wrong. Countless people had gathered to give long eulogies about her life, even if they didn't give a fuck about her being ...gone, beyond having lost an Alliance symbol, a political figure. They never knew her. The coffin in the middle was empty, too._

_Wrong. So wrong._

_His head throbbed furiously, the only thing he was aware of feeling, but he didn't even care. He wasn't really present anymore, had become an empty shadow numb with bereft since the day she didn't emerge out of the last evacuation capsule._

_Shepard was gone and she had taken him with her._

_The eulogy prattled on like fierce rain meeting the ground, the words unheard to his mind. It _should _rain in earnest now. The sky should cry with agony due to the void she left behind in this galaxy, within him. Like it always did in the old videos when someone di – was gone. But it didn't. It never rained here on this planet, never would. It was impossible... like it was impossible to see her smiling again, or to tell her that he loved her._

_Why had he never..._

_His head throbbed, stopping this thought. Kaidan made the mistake to look up for the first time and right into a General's face, who endlessly went on about Shepard without knowing _anything_ about her. A furious rage about this injustice seethed up and filled his very being._

_Fuck them all._

_Maybe he should simply blast them away in a massive biotic wave, if only to put an end to these lying bastards and their fucking charade. Barely able to suppress the thought, he let his head sink into his hands and waited for it to be finally over. Waited, so he could return to the dark hole his home has become and be as alone and miserable as he felt._

_After what seemed an eternity, the ceremony finally stopped and people started to clear out, probably to not miss out the next memorial of an Alliance hero. The speeches were universally usable, after all. One had just change the name and achievements._

_Bastards._

_Kaidan remained in his place, heart clenching as his gaze fell on her photo. She didn't smile there. She rarely did. But sometimes she did it for _him_, even if it was always more an half-smile or teasing smirk. So maybe it was better she didn't smile in this photo._

_It would have been wrong._

_Like everything here today._

_And everything else since she was... _gone_._

"_Mr. Alenko? Lieutenant? " A hand laid upon his shoulder, causing him to startle. He turned and stumbled backward, as he looked in the face of a ghost._

"_I...my name is Hannah Shepard." The lean, elder woman dressed in a black Alliance uniform extended her hand to him and he stared dumbly at it for a moment before taking it. Kaidan gaped at her, at a loss for words. She looked like _her_, only older. They even had the same eyes, the same bright, all observing gaze. Quickly, he averted his eyes, couldn't bear to look at her any longer._

"_My daughter, she...has told me much about you and I just wanted to thank you that you have been there for her."_

_Kaidan felt anger seething up within at these words. They were ridiculous, a mockery, even if unintended. Thank him? For what? For letting her die? He should have never left when she told him to. _**Never**_. He wasn't there for her when she had needed him most. When she died.  
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_Died._

This_ word echoing within his mind hit him hard and unprepared, seemed so unreal._

Wrong_._

_And yet ripped his insides apart with ease.  
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_Those eyes looked at him again, piercing him with its haunting familiarity as she waited for an answer. Or _any_ reaction. Kaidan wanted nothing more than to turn and run away from this gaze, before it reduced him into a crumbling heap. And with it, everything around him._

_He thought, 'I didn't save her. I failed.' but eventually said, "I'm... sorry."_

_The woman who looked like _her_ smiled sadly, as if she understood his thoughts, his loss._

_His guilt._

_Maybe she was the only one who _could_._

_The hand reached for his shoulder again and squeezed it, gently. "It wasn't your fault."_

"Kaidan?" Shepard looked at him, her gaze growing more worried with each passing moment, as she waited for an answer. Or _any_reaction. With the same eyes, he never thought to see again and yet they looked back at him now. Swallowing, he shook the feeling off to answer.

"You are wrong. I have met her before." It was hard to speak, to admit this, somehow.

Her eyebrows creased to a frown. "When?" He didn't reply, didn't _need_ to, as he looked at her with a gaze full of agonized memory. Her frown deepened and she blinked, horrified. "Oh."

Kaidan slung his arms around her and pressed her at his chest, as if wanting to ensure that she was _really_ there. With him. "Yeah."

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	4. Of Things Lost

_**A/N:** I always found Shepard ingame too much accepting and nonchalant of the fact of being brought back to life. Sure being alive beats being dead all the way, but if I were Shepard it would cause a severe mindfuck inside of my brain if someone would go Jesus on me. So yeah, a bit (much?) of Shepard angst here. Not much Kaidan this time, sorry, but one of the character developing chaps I wuv so much to write. So long chapter ahead, covering helluva stuff. Enjoy.  
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**Of Things Lost**

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The second the woman called Miranda had shot down Wilson, Shepard had punched her into her face, sending her reeling backward.

"_What_ have you done?" she screamed, voice flaring with undisguised anger and despise.

"Miranda!" The other guy with her in the burning facility sprinted toward her, but not without to shot a glare at Shepard. "Are you out of your mind, Shepard?" Applying medi-gel to what looked like a broken nose to stop the bleeding, he tried to help her up, but Miranda brushed his hands away. It was quite the feat that she was still conscious after this kind of blow.

"Wilson was a traitor, Shepard," she replied calmly and snapped for air. "He _is_ the reason the facility burns. He wanted to destroy the Lazarus Cell and I was not going to let that happen."

"This isn't about Wilson. I couldn't care less." The pistol in her hand clicked. "This is about you playing freaking _god_."

Completely ignoring the weapon pointed at her head, Miranda stood up from the ground. "So you found some logs about the project on your way, I take it?"

"How... is that even possible?" Shepard suppressed the need to shudder and kept her weapon hand from trembling. _Everything_ inside her hurt. She felt raw, the skin draped over flesh, muscles and bones way too taut. It was wrong in every way of the word, violated every rule of nature. She shouldn't be able to feel anything at all.

"I should be dead."

"And you were." Miranda's features started to bruise, but that didn't hinder her from glaring at her. "_I_ was the one putting you back together. I was and I _am_ in charge for the Project Lazarus. Without _me_, Shepard, you would have remained nothing than undefined chunks of meat."

She returned the glare, voice cold. "No one actually _asked_ me if I wouldn't have preferred it this way."

Jacob stepped in between, his gaze sweeping nervously between the two women, the tension palpable. "Are you sure you want to discuss this _now_? As you might have noticed the station around us is _burning_. Hate it all you like, Shepard, but Cerberus brought you back, while the Alliance declared you K.I.A."

Her hand quavered, causing her to lower the weapon. Shaking, she felt her biotics flare up, more powerful than ever._ Control, control_, her mind screamed while sifting through the last, painful memories of her life.

Before she died.

How the Normandy burned, her struggle to push the button to save at least Joker. The blast of explosion that hurled her out into the void of space, without any hope of rescue. The bright, yet distant light of fire and destruction behind her. How the sound of her own breathing and heartbeat was deafening in the all consuming silence of space. And then, concurrently with a hiss of air coming from her suit, even the sound of breathing subsided and everything went tranquil and dark.

Then...nothing.

Shepard snapped for air, as if not trusting her lungs to be capable of that feat. "Brought me back?" Another deep breath and her voice went quiet, on the edge of desperation. "What have you done? _What_ am I?"

"You are Shepard," Miranda answered, briskly. "The goddamn hero as you were before the Normandy was blast away and you got spaced. The Illusive Man wanted me to bring you back exactly as you were. No alteration of your personality, moral standings or person were allowed or the project would have been considered a failure. He put a massive amount of resources and faith in you and your abilities, Shepard. ...Although I see now why a control chip might have been a good idea nonetheless."

"Miranda!" Jacob whirled to her. "You are _not_ helping."

She shrugged. "What? The Illusive Man hasn't allowed it, so this point is moot. As it is to discuss those things further while the station is crumbling around us. Humanity needs you and we brought you back. Easy as."

Shepard raised her weapon again. "I will never work for Cerberus!"

"Fine. You can sulk about that fact later." Another shrug. "Now you should let the fact sink in that I have the _last_ escape shuttle out before this station blows up into million pieces. So you should choose wisely to take up on this offer or not. Should you choose to stay, however, remember that this time there won't be coming someone along and paying billions of credits to put you back together."

With that, Miranda walked forward the shuttle, seemingly uncaring of what she would do. Jacob was less calm in comparison. He was frozen in place and looked at her, almost pleading, before exasperation settled in. His eyes widened, as he recognized that she indeed was considering the latter option for the beat of a heart. "Hell Shepard, I drag you kicking and screaming out of here, if I must."

"I sure want to see you _try_." She fixed him with a stare and remained in her place for a moment longer before rushing to the shuttle to get in.

She never holstered her pistol.

.

.

* * *

.

The light inside the shuttle was dimmed and everything was quiet.

A fact Shepard was thankful for, actually. She sat in the farthest possible corner of it, weapon still in hand and stared out into the quiet hollowness of space.

Once the sight had been soothing to her nerves and always helped her to calm down. She was born on a star ship and had spent a copious amount of her life in space, after all. But now the sight of its endlessness sent a frosty chill over her spine and it cost her all of her will that it didn't bloom into a nervous shaking of her body. Suddenly the space felt less like home and more like the uncontrollable monster that it really was.

She had died out there. Alone. Suffocating.

And still she sat here, alive. _Why_?

"Alison Shepard, former Lieutenant Commander of the System Alliance Navy and graduate of the Systems Alliance N7 special forces program. Service No. 5923-AC-2826." Miranda sat across of her, a list seated in her lap and leaning forward in a calm manner. Apparently the time of silence and their distance was over now with her telling her all the things she already knew. Wonderful.

"Born 2154, April, 11. Mother: Hannah Shepard, System Alliance, Captain of the SSV Orizaba. Father: William Shepard, System Alliance, former Staff Lieutenant of the SSV Agincourt, K.I.A. during a mission in 2172 by batarian mercs. Awarded the Terra star for the achievements during the Skyllian Blitz in 2176. First human Spectre. Hero of the Citadel. K.I.A. one month after the battle with Sovereign, in November, 2183." Miranda looked up from her datapad. "Impressive list. Have I forgotten anything?"

Shepard looked at her pointedly, taking in the sight of her bruised face before letting a single, nonchalant "Fuck you." fall.

Miranda was about to pinch her nose, but belatedly seemed to remember it being not a good idea, patched with medi-gel as it was. Instead she heaved a weary sigh. "You don't have to like me, Shepard. In fact, outside of Lazarus Project and my task you are _nothing_ to me. I don't search for a friend, nor a cuddly someone listening while I bitch about my life. Which I won't. My life is my job and my job is to get your four billion credits ass safely to the Illusive Man for now. And I always do my job. _Always_."

"Maybe you should mention the reason why we need Commander Shepard, Miranda. Holding things back from her isn't exactly the way to build trust. Especially after the rocky start we had."

"I don't trust any of you..." Shepard's eyes narrowed at Jacob and she crossed her arms before her chest. "...but for now this will do. I'm sure you weren't playing Frankenstein for fun, so what are your reasons?"

Jacob shook his head in frustration at her comment."The Illusive Man will brief you in detail, as soon we arrive at the secure station. But you should know that in the two years you have been...sleeping, entire colonies went missing. We susp-"

"Two years?" Shepard blinked, struggling with the attempt to keep her emotions in check, her face straight. "I was gone for _that_ long?" _Kaidan..._

_...sat with her in the locker room and was busy with methodically dispersing his hard suit armor in neat piles of 'need repair' ,'need cleaning' and 'okay as it is.' Unsurprisingly the 'okay as it is' pile was completely empty. _

_It always was. _

_Shepard watched him for a moment, sweat dripped down his furrowed brows, a rare expression of frustration seen so openly within his face. His normally so orderly, dark hair was sticking out in places, disheveled from the helmet and sweat. There were times where he would rather watched the full fourteen hours of Elcor's version of Hamlet than letting anyone see him like that. _Especially_ not her, his commanding officer. It was a tribute to their closeness and intimacy that he did. _

_Then again, she guessed she didn't look any better, so it was only fair. She was already done with shedding her hard suit, less neat than Kaidan in apparent frustration after yet another senseless ground mission. _

_Geth. _

_She was send out to fight _Geth_, for fucking's sake. Apparently, the Alliance and the Council had already forgotten the big ass parts of Reaper sticking out of the Citadel just _everywhere_. Sovereign wasn't the end, it was just the beginning. More would come. She knew it, Kaidan knew it and each and every other of her crew, too. But the Council did what they could best: Sitting in their cushy chairs, sipping drinks and sticking their alien fingers in whatever was equal to ears and/or asses to ignore the obvious. _

_Fucking fucktards. _

_Not that the Alliance was any better. Using her as a shield and political figure, they didn't even _attempt_ to argue with the Council and sent her out on this big ass wasting time of a mission to clean up the remaining Geth troops. Ridiculous. Apparently all what saving the Citadel had brought her is becoming their new poster girl._

_Fucking fucktards. _

_Sitting there in the thin layers of her underarmor, Shepard glowered at the gloves in her hands. It was so quiet in the room, she could hear Kaidan's ragged breathing and the humming of the ship beneath her feet. Then in a sudden fit of anger, she hurled out and smashed the gloves against the nearest wall, tearing the silence apart. Her throw unintentionally enhanced by her biotics, they shattered in myriads of pieces, causing Kaidan to blink up in shock at her. He wasn't used to see her losing her cool. _

_Then again, she wasn't either. _

_Shepard knew she should get up, shower, do the fancy ass mission report without writing 'we are wasting our time, assholes' in it and get some food and rest. But she found herself unable to move, even as the cooling system of the Normandy was starting to make her feel chilly, sweaty as she was. _

"_Shepard?" The tone in his voice bore so much more than just her name, she knew. Within the months of...everything, she had learned to decipher it and him like the beacon on Eden Prime. He was all worried about her, a bit anxious and equally frustrated like herself. _

_Hell, she loved him._

"_They don't listen, Kaidan." One hand drove through her matted strands of auburn hair, disheveling it even more."No matter what I do, they won't listen." A bitter laugh, layered with scorn."They really need to have the Reaper army swooping through their front window first, don't they?"_

"_That would be, uhh, convincing, I guess." In the second it blurted out of his mouth, a horrified expression crossed his face and he did his best to correct it. "I mean, we need to convince them earlier than that, of course."_

_Before she noticed it, was her head buried in her hands. For the first time since..._ever,_ Commander Fucking Shepard, savior of the damn Citadel, didn't have a plan, nor the slightest idea where to go from here."How?" Blinking up, she noticed that he knelt in front of her now, head on one level with her and his hand carefully draped over hers._

"_We will find a way, Lis." His voice was calm, the gaze of his brown eyes warm and beseeching. "We always do."_

_Again, there was so much more to his words than the mere face value. 'I'm here for you.'I will never leave your side.' was what it really meant. _

_Dammit, how did she even manage to find someone like him, who was not only willing to keep up with this utter fuck that was her life, but even supporting it? It must have been a sheer amount of dumb luck, she was sure._

_Reaching out, she touched his cheek, causing him to flinch back in surprise. It was an automatic reaction by now, deeply ingrained within him due to the months of working together. The shadow of fraternization and breaking regs was looming over them in every stolen touch and kiss, after all. Though now, right in this moment, Shepard couldn't bring up the amount to care. They had pulled her them away from shore leave for _this_. Fighting geths._

_Bastards._

_Shepard curled her arms around him, pulling him closer. Kaidan followed her silent order without resistance, but his hands came around her more hesitantly, as if being afraid to get caught by someone. He was so warm, as a biotic he always was. The heat was literally radiating from his body, like the faint hum of his biotics underneath. It was in tune with her own; comfortable, a place of home. She remained nestled in the crook of his neck for a moment, indulging in the feel that was so...Kaidan, before kissing the side of his jaw. _

"_I love you."_

_His throat worked and he stilled before embracing her tighter, muscles flexing. Searching for her mouth which spoke those words, he sealed it with his lips, the kiss searing and far from shy. He never said these three words, but she knew that he loved her. Kaidan had never been a man of expressing his feeling in this way, or any other, for that matter; controlled and careful as he always was. Yet the way he held her, the way he gave in to her in spite of his cautious nature and the passion within the kiss, here and now. _

_She simply _**knew**_. _

_Still kissing, Shepard found herself deliciously pinned between bench and locker and wrapped her legs around him to beckoning him to go further. Kaidan followed suit, smiling against her mouth as he ran his hands over her sides, but Joker being the damn cockblocker that he was ever since had to ruin the moment. Of course._

"_Lieutenant Alenko, I have detected an abnormality in Normandy's heating system. Would you be so kind to check and fix that? Joker out."_

_He was doing this on purpose, Shepard was sure. There would be an abnormality in his heating system soon, if he kept _that_ up. _

_Sighing, Kaidan disentangled himself from her lips and body, rubbing his neck in embarrassment. He pointed toward the showers behind his back. "I, err, better go then." That he didn't jump back in horror upon Joker's radio call was another tribute to their found and comfortable closeness to each other. "And take a cold shower." He shifted in place, suddenly very self-aware. "A _**really**_ cold one." _

_Kaidan was a complex man of many things, but in this moment simply utterly adorable with his face heated by her kisses and possibly even with the interruption of thereof. She stole another one from his lips, unwilling to let him slip away like that. _

_"I have still to write a report using many big words where I basically tell them to go fuck themselves, but after that I have a bit of free time, Lieutenant." She smiled at him –a real smile– her voice and arched eyebrow suggestive and playful. "And you know that I like to finish the things I started, Alenko." _

_He showed her one of his happy grins, unrestrained it washed over his face and even _stayed_ there. Rare as it was, she wanted to treasure the sight. "I look forward to it. ...Ma'am."_

It never happened.

Only a few hours after that, the Normandy was attacked, ripping all dreams and plans ever made to shreds with its wreckage.

"Whoa, calm down, Commander." A berating and part anxious voice permeated unasked through the haze of her memories. It was Jacob." Or else you will blow us up before we reach the station."

Blinking, Shepard finally noticed that it was _her_ who flared in a near bright blue and she struggled to tune it down.

_What the hell?_

"L5x implant," Miranda said in by a way explanation without looking up from her work. "Way more powerful than what you had before, might have unshackled some prior unused biotic abilities, too. You better get used to control it." She glanced up in a single warning. "_Quickly_."

Jacob sighed. "And I'm sure you haven't heard a damn thing of what I told you, right...Commander?"

Shepard inhaled and exhaled deeply and methodically to calm down again, like Kaidan used to in excessive moments of stress. Which were aplenty during their hunt for Saren and on the field.

And this thought was so _not_ helping.

_Control_. She breathed in. _Calm and controlled._ She breathed out.

_Two years. I have lost two fucking years_.

Yeah, it wasn't going so well with self-control right now, but seeing she hadn't blown up the shuttle yet was a start. She already had more than her fair share of exploding ships, after all. "My crew...did they make it?"

"Those from the Normandy?" Jacob shrugged, not really caring. "Yes, just about everybody survived. A few service men from the lower deck didn't make it and Navigator Pressley was killed by an explosion. But everyone else, even the non-Alliance crew, made it out alive."

"Good." Another exhale, now for entirely different reasons. It wasn't much information, less than she'd hoped, but enough in the moment to placate the chaos raging in her head.

_They live. _

_He lives._

And no," Jacob continued," I don't know what they are doing today. It had been two years since then, after all."

"Right." Her eyes narrowed at him, ever so slightly. "Thanks for the reminder."_ Asshole_.

"We'll arrive in the station shortly and I would lie if I'd say I'm not glad to leave this shuttle," Miranda said with more than a hint of exasperation, and shook her perfectly bruised head. "What a day."

For once, Shepard was inclined to agree with her.

.

.

* * *

.

Shepard hated the Illusive Man.

He was Cerberus and thus not to be trusted. It was as simple as that. Though since he brought her back from the dead (as creepy it still was) and was admitting the Reaper being a threat instead of ignoring the obvious, she had reached a truce with him.

For the moment.

She was useful to him and he was useful to her, but she was under no illusion that if things would change he would try to kill her again. She knew she wouldn't hesitate to shoot him in the face.

Not. A. Single. Second.

So this whole holographic meeting business was probably for the better. For him. He was a clever bastard to hold it that way.

Obvious dislike for him or Cerberus aside, the Illusive Men was willing to give her what she needed, while the Council and even the Alliance were still sitting in their cushy chairs and sipping drinks with the fingers up their asses. Aside from being alive, (which was a good start) Shepard needed resources; a ship and ably crew to fight the Collectors. The threat was real, Freedom Progress had verified that much. And as much Shepard hated it, she wasn't in the exact position to be picky right now.

So taking up his offer of unlimited resources and team dossiers now and shooting him in the face later, it was.

It almost sounded like a plan.

The first one in _this_ life for her. The second, if one was willing to count her plan to punch Miranda in the face upon meeting for playing god.

And _that_ had succeeded. So it could only get better from here on.

She had been _dead_, after all.

.

.

* * *

.

Shepard couldn't believe her eyes as the shutter opened and Joker stood in front of her.

Finally someone she could trust and none of those Cerberus fuckers. Well, given the stubbornness of the pilot was somewhat the reason she got spaced in the first place, but he was still a sight for her sore eyes after Miranda and Jacob.

The way it looked, Joker was painstakingly aware of this fact himself. His expression and way he was hesitantly moving toward her actually seemed as if he wanted to throw himself in front of her feet and beg for forgiveness, brittle bones notwithstanding. He tried to hide it behind a facade of cool and a smile, but Shepard had always excelled in reading people as easy as her beloved cooking recipe sites on the extranet. It was part of her win-win strategy to simply know what her opponent was thinking, how they were ticking to then twist the word in their mouth to her benefit. Manipulative? Yes, indeed, but it was all for the bigger picture to have shoot _less_ people into their faces.

She was a good girl, after all.

"Commander, I can't believe it is you. I mean, _alive_." He glanced away from her, a clear sign of guilt or at least being uncomfortable to admit it."I saw you getting spaced."

"You and me both, Joker." She shook her head, allowing herself a sigh. "You and me both." Shepard fell silent, while walking down the hall and to their new ship, how she logically presumed with him _here_."You know, Joker, next time I say abandon the burning and exploding ship around us, simple do as I say. It would spare us a lot of trouble."

She didn't need to look over to know he was wincing at that. "Yeah, about that, Commander...I He paused to swallow,was struggling for the right words to say. Or any words. Unusual for a smartass like him.

"They came around for another attack. I did what I must." Shepard looked straight forward, watching the shadowed contours of a ship that seemed hauntingly familiar. Her expression or tone was without any infliction. "Don't worry, I died quickly. My suit and oxygen line was damaged through the explosion."

His head whirled round to her, expression horrified. "That is so _not_ reassuring, Commander."

"Better than floating for days through space, alone with nothing but my own thoughts and waiting for the moment to come."

Unsurprisingly, this did little to placate him. Maybe her people skills got a bit rusty while being..._dead_. "And I repeat: So not reassuring."

"What happened, Joker? Why are you with Cerberus?"

He pinched his nose before using the same hand to rub his forehead, sighing heavily. "Without you...after _that_, everything fell apart. The Council was ripping apart everything you said and refused to acknowledge any of it. After that, the Alliance grounded me. _Me_! So hell yeah, I jumped on the chance to fly again, even if it was Cerberus offering. They said they would bring you back. I didn't really believed it, but here you are, Commander."

"Yeah." _Two years... _"What became of the crew after the attack? Are you still in contact with some them? Garrus, Wrex, Tali, Liara..." Before she could stop herself, she added, her still aching body stiffening. "...Kaidan?"

Shepard knew she had failed to keep her voice even at the last bit and Joker's frown was the proof for it. "Not...really. You were the glue that held us together, Commander. Without you, it...everyone moved on, went their different way. A few, Liara, Tali and Garrus stayed longer after the... -As for Kaidan..." His frown deepened, eyes away from her and distant. "We haven't really talked since I emerged out of the evac capsule alone and he threatened to kill me for _this_ fact. I guess it wasn't healthy for our friendship that I killed the woman he loved."

"You haven't-"

"Yeah, keep telling me that, I might believe it someday," he snapped, anger flaring up." Kaidan won't. Ever. Can't really blame him." Joker sighed. "I heard he is still with the Alliance, though."

Shepard didn't know what to say at that, so she said nothing at all.

Better this way. _Easier_.

The lights in the hangar flickered to life upon their entrance and .._.holy hell of a- _… Her mouth flew open at its own account. "You are kidding me, right?"

The smile was back in his face. "No, not at all, Commander. This is the Normandy SR2, my new baby. And yours. Don't ask me how Cerberus managed to rebuilt the most advanced ship of the Alliance, though."

She looked at him, pointedly. "Is this some kind of backhanded, twisted way of the Illusive Man to spite me? Here's your new ship, Commander Fucking Shepard. Oh, it is the same that blew up the last time around you. Have fun and don't forget to fight the Collectors."

"I wouldn't exactly say it is the _same_. Be sure to take the tour, Commander. I would show you around, but well, I have never been a big distance walker."

"That huge, huh?"

The smile widened. "Better. So ready to fly around and saving the galaxy...again, Commander? Just like in old times, huh?"

Shepard snorted. "I hope not. I died."

.

.

* * *

.

Stepping aboard the new Normandy was a battle with ghosts of the past. Only with more Cerberus logos on the wall.

The both Cerberus cheerleader gave her the tour through a ship, that was concurrently so familiar chills raced down her spine and she could smell the smoke of the fire, and yet so very _different_.

Cold. Soulless. Wrong.

The light was too bright, the rooms she saw too large and empty.

Devoid of life.

She remembered how different her first tour through the _real_ Normandy had been. It was a lot darker, smaller, but there was chatter, life, laughter. In spite of hunting the rogue Spectre Saren, the Geth for months and getting shot at every damn minute, she had a hell of a time aboard.

God, she missed it.

And then there was _that_.

Her gaze wandered to the escape pods secured at the side as they passed them by. She shivered. They were at the _same_ place where they _originally_ had been.

"_Joker is still in the cockpit. He refuses to leave. And I'm not going either."_

_She couldn't see his face through the sealed off visor of his helmet, but his voice through it sounded like pure defiance. _

_He didn't want to leave her side. _

_And this was where personal feelings were getting dangerous. Staff Lieutenant Alenko was willing to disregard the safety of the crew to ensure hers. And not that of his CO, either, but Alison's._

_Shepard had no time for this now. Not when the ship around them burned and crumbled. "Kaidan, I _need_ you to get the crew to the escape pods. I will deal with Joker."_

_She saw the "but" screaming loudly from his stance and hesitation, even as he didn't say anything. So she made one or two purposeful steps into his direction to make her point clear."That is a fucking order, Alenko!"_

_He stilled for the beat of a heart, before the soldier in him kicked in."Aye, aye, ma'am." _

_She noticed that, while he ran into the direction and toward the task he was ordered to do, he glanced back at her a final time. _

She blinked, forcing her eyes away from _there_. Yeah, hell of a time, indeed.

Shepard was glad when the tour through the new big ass Normandy which was nothing like the Normandy at all was over. Even more when everyone departed and stopped telling her what to do. Fuck, even the ship _itself_ had an opinion now.

That was new, too.

Miranda had suggested to set course for Omega to get Mordin Solus for her crew. Shepard had set course to the Citadel.

Just because.

And because Shepard was curious what for a the color the little umbrella's in the drinks of the Council had they drank, while sitting on their asses and _still_ doing nothing. Being reinstated as a Spectre would be a nice side effect of being _not_ dead, too. Though Shepard doubt it would be very much useful these days, but maybe she could get at least a Citadel shop discount out of the Spectre Status.

Or three.

Hell knew her current weapons _sucked_. Well, _somewhere_ the recreation of her four billion credits ass must have left a dent in Cerberus' finances. Not that she would shed a tear, though. It only made her miss Garrus more, because he was able to tickle the best out of the crappiest weapons. Ash could do that, too. Damn, she still felt guilty for leaving her behind on Virmire. For Kaidan.

And now she felt guilty for leaving him behind, as well. By dying.

The downside of dying, aside of obviously being _dead_, was that the galaxy kept moving, while she was unable to. To Shepard's re-awoken consciousness the time passed in between felt only like _weeks_ and not like _years_, as it was in reality. Of course, normally people weren't brought back to life unasked, only to get thrown into a suicide mission. _Again_.

This was all a giant, fucked up mess. Normally this was her sort of brand, but that was even crazy to her standards.

Sighing, Shepard passed the grinning Ms. Chambers and shot her a glare for good measure. And because Cerberus apparently thought she would be too stupid to check her _own_ mails. Satisfied to see the grinning wiped from her face and replaced with something terrified, Shepard took the elevator up.

Maybe they managed at least to make these things _faster_ in the meanwhile.

.

.

* * *

.

Unsurprisingly, her own CO- quarters were like the rest of the ship.

Big, cold and impersonal.

While a giant tank of water would be the very last thing she would ever place in the room of a biotic -or at all- the cool, blue light and emptiness of it reflected very well how she felt. Now where the course was set and the ship toured, Shepard didn't know what to do with herself. There was no report to write, no one to talk to and/or to shoot at, _nothing_.

She was alone with herself and the fact of being alive again. Normally it was something one could assume to be glad about, but Alyssa, the little part that was not Commander Fucking Shepard couldn't help to feel utterly at a loss for it.

The door opened promptly with a '_whoosh_', as she walked into the bathroom to wash her face. She winced as the coldness of the water touched the scars, raw and unnaturally glowing as they were. Cerberus Cheerleader No. one had called the layer beneath her skin cybernetics, which hadn't _exactly_ managed to make Shepard feel better about this whole resurrection business. It rather added to the question of how much they had changed, replaced.

Was she really the same? Human? Miranda and the Illusive Man had insisted that being the case, but she didn't feel much like trusting their words.

Cerberus.

She cooperated with _Cerberus_.

Madness.

Shepard still remembered all too clearly what they had done to Admiral Kohaku and his troops. How she had hunted the Cerberus operatives down together with Kaidan and –

Well, this trail of thought was entirely unhelpful.

Shepard left the bathroom, throwing the towel in her hands heedlessly into a corner.

_He_ had been actually the first thing on her mind after waking up _after_ the initial confusion of being _able_ to do it, that was. For a delicate moment she thought all of it being just a gruesome dream; the attack and her death, but then she heard Miranda's voice over the radio, the gunfire and felt the rawness of her skin.

Blue eyes flung over to her new, shiny private terminal. Maybe she should write him. Notice him that she was not dead and still there. And with Cerberus. Hell yeah, remembering his last reaction toward them, he certainly would _love_ that. Even if she leave out the bad C-word, what should she write?

_'Oh hi, Kaidan. It's Shepard. Surprise, I'm not dead. Or not anymore. Dinner tonight? Love you.'_

Yeah, that would go so well, too, she was sure. No, it was better to leave things as they were. Two years had passed in the meantime and he had surely moved on. She had no right to drop back into his life and to act like a crazed, possessive girlfriend, only because to her mind it had been only weeks, instead of freaking _years_. Reopening already closed wounds of loss for selfish reasons wasn't fair and no one knew that better than Shepard herself.

Not to mention that there were _much_ more important things than her love life, or the loss thereof.

There _always_ was.

Shepard was only lucky enough to have him fighting at her side, while saving the galaxy from a certain doom. Now she wasn't even sure anymore on _which_ side she actually stood, only that she had to save the galaxy from a certain doom.

Again.

This is what they had brought her back for, to fight. And fight she would, even if it would cost her her life.

Again.

_Fuck this. Being dead was easier, somehow._

With a sigh, Shepard turned the terminal off to test the big, cold and impersonal mattress in her big, cold and impersonal cabin. Because contrary to popular belief, even Commander Fucking Shepard recently risen from the dead and thus giving the universe _the_ finger needed to sleep from time to time.

It was only human.

Although she still struggled to define what the hell _that_ meant in her case.


	5. Sick Cycle Carousel

_**I tried to climb your steps, I tried to chase you down  
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground  
I tried to earn my way, I tried to tame this mind  
You better believe that I have tried to beat this  
So when will this end? It goes on and on  
Over and over and over again **_

_~ Lifehouse – Sick Cycle Carousel_

_.  
_

* * *

_.  
_

**Sick Cycle Carousel **

**.  
**

This was a second Horizon.

Correction, this was _worse_ than Horizon.

At that time – fucked up as the rest might have been – Kaidan had at least the decency _not_ to point a gun at her. Apparently, he had even left this tiny bit of politeness in the hospital, lost together with the beginning of his appointment as a Spectre. The soldier part of her mind could process _why_ he stood between her and them, shoving a _fucking_ gun into her face. Protect the unarmed of danger, protect the Council. He was doing his job as Spectre. The rest, a huge, irritatingly emotional part even in this dire situation, just saw the man she loved distrusting her.

Again.

Would this ever stop?

Her eyes never really left Kaidan, yet Shepard spared a hateful look over to Udina, who stood next to the rest of the Council. The ones he was about to sell out to Cerberus, if she wouldn't stop him in time. And yet that bastard had the nerves to blame _her_.

"Shepard is blocking our escape. She is with Cerberus."

_Son of a bitch_.

"I just say this once, Alenko, since I really had a shitty day and it isn't getting any _better_ right now." Her voice was eerily calm and collected, in spite of the massive rage inside. "I. Am. Not. With. Cerberus. Face it, once and for all. Udina is the one behind this attack. The Salarian Councilor confirmed it." _Goddammit, Kaidan._ " He is the traitor, not _me_."

Kaidan didn't lower his weapon, remained standing gun to gun with her. His brown eyes, once so warm and loving, locked into hers with such a hard coldness that it chilled her bones and heart. _At least this part is exactly like in Horizon_, one sadistic part of her brain applied in all its unhelpful glory.

"Gun drawn on a Counselor? Kinda looks bad, Shepard." He was a soldier through and through right now. Ready to obey, ready to protect. And not able to think for himself in spite of all he said before to her?

"_I might not be wrong about Cerberus. But I was wrong about you."_

Yeah, right. As she could see now, the weight of the meaning of his words were obviously superficial after all. _Damn idiot._

Beside her, Shepard heard the distinctive sound of Garrus' rifle clicking, a clear sign that he was ready to shoot Kaidan, if she couldn't. Liara's eyes flickered nervously in between the elevator behind them and the council, a telltale corona of blue slowly enveloped her form.

She was running out of time, one way or another.

Fuck.

The universe was a bastard with a twisted, sick sense of humor. After throwing her back into life, it let her survive a _suicide_ mission and even made her the goddamn leader against this war and hence the hope of _trillion_ of people. She was Commander Fucking Shepard, had fought countless mercenaries, Geth, Reapers and creatures five till fifty time her seize without to do as much as _blink_ or _flinch_. But no one ever taught her how to make it through an armed standoff with the one single person in this very universe she used to love.

_Still_ loved.

How to be able to pull the trigger if it would come down to the worst, because he still didn't trust her enough to believe her words. The universe didn't teach her that before kicking her out of the void of the space, her grave.

Sick, twisted _bastard_.

She tried it again, this time her voice adapted unwanted a more despaired note."There are Cerberus soldier in the elevator behind us. If you open that door, they will kill you all!"

That fucktard of Udina stepped forward like a petulant child, but deliberately stayed behind Kaidan and used him as a shield. "You have no proof. You never have."

Shepard felt her biotics flaring in responsive, raw anger at that, unable to hold it back. She used to be so rational and controlled once, a picture perfect of a soldier. The poster girl of the Alliance, smiling and always calm. Now she wanted nothing more than charge through to Udina, rip his fucking head off and biotically kick it into the wideness of the Presidium's lake. Even more so was she tired to chase after Kaidan, tired of the need to convince him at every turn that she wasn't a freaking _terrorist_. Fed up of the countless attempts to make him see and understand how much she despised Cerberus. Always had.

It seemed to be a race she couldn't win, no matter how hard she tried.

She was tired of all this.

And in wake of this weary frustration, Shepard did something incredible stupid, nothing the picture perfect soldier would have ever done, not even for Kaidan. She did not only lowered her gun, but also her biotic barrier, taking a slow step toward him." You know what? Shoot me then, _if_ you don't believe me. If I'm still not trustworthy enough for you, after all that was said and done." Her voice was rigid like steel, only a faint quiver within revealed the rush of disappointment she felt toward him and his behavior. "Just get it over with, Kaidan. Once and for all."

It seemed to be enough.

Although he still didn't move, Shepard noticed how he started to waver and his resolve began to crumble at these words. While keeping his face carefully blank like he did in the beginning time of the Normandy SR1, his throat worked and muscles flexed in a recoiling manner, causing his hand holding the weapon to slightly tremble. It was a sign how much he detested even the barest idea of following through with what she'd demanded of him. He didn't want to hurt her. Or at least the man she knew almost three years ago would never do that. But things had changed a lot in the meanwhile, it seemed. Despite his horror breaking through the facade of a controlled soldier, he still didn't step away from her, nor lowered the gun.

_Dammit, Kaidan. Dammit._

"We distrusted Shepard before and it did us no good!"

_Wait, what?_

Shepard whirled round and suppressed the wish to blink dumbfounded at the asari councilor, who spoke up in her favor. Did the hell just freeze and hence the council was _more_ eager to believe her than Kaidan? Seriously?

"We have no time to debate this. We need to get out of here. I'll override the lock and get the door." The bastard of a councilor rushed over to the console, sending her into pressure to act, into the pressure of doing the hardest thing in her life. In _both_ of them.

"Udina, step away from the console!"

Or..._not_.

In one single movement, Kaidan turned toward Udina, for the first time his weapon pointed away from her and at him instead. His stance was instantly more secure, as if he had finally won a battle in his mind. Stepping closer to Udina and away from the focus of Garrus' rifle_ just in time, _Kaidan repeated his words in a more menacing tone. "Away from the console. Now!"

The asari councilor tried to help and hold him away from activating the door, but like so many things before the Council had done, her attempt failed utterly. Udina shoved her roughly aside and she fell on the ground. Shepard and her crew were already moving forward at that, but Kaidan was quicker. Fitting, somehow, because it was _his_ mess to clean up, his responsibly to see it through.

And clean up he did.

As soon Udina pulled out a pistol and pointed it at the asari on the ground, Kaidan didn't hesitate a second and shot Udina down. He was dead in an instant, which was not a surprise due to it being a precise shot through his heart. Under different circumstances, Kaidan's action would have let her grinning and be proud of him, but she was still too damned pissed for that. Even Udina's long overdue death couldn't change her mood for the better.

Pushing the feeling aside to concentrate on the task of securing the door, she stepped in front of the turian and asari councilor, gun pointed at the elevator and biotics flaring. Whoever would come out of this door, she had a bullet with her name on it reserved for them. Or better said a whole clip, after she ripped those fucking tards of Cerberus to shreds with her bare hands. Bringing her back or not, they already have cost her too much to bear. Her dignity and pride she needed to swallow to work with them in the first place and the credibility she had lost in the eyes of what she thought being people close to her. They tried to overthrow the Council and control the Citadel, wounded Thane in a failed assassination attempt on the salarian councilor and even tried to put the blame of the coup on her name.

_Fuckers._

No one was messing with her friends, crew or her and would be alive for very long. Not Saren, nor the Collectors, not Cerberus, nor the Reapers.

_No_ one.

"Be ready!" Shepard motioned her team mates closer, as the middle of the elevator's metal doors started to be torn by what looked like a handy omni tool laser. Kaidan was on his guard as well. His gaze directed on the door was wary, but he took a backup role and kept his distance from her.

Better this way.

Every moment there would be Cerberus troops storming out and – "Bailey?" Shepard blinked, thoroughly surprised to see him instead of that annoying Cerberus space ninja emerging from the elevator. In an instant, she put her weapon down and relaxed.

"Hey Shepard," the C-Sec Commander said in by way of greeting and perfectly calm. "We followed you as fast as we could, but seems you have already taken care of things. Old habits die hard, huh? Not that I'm complaining."

"Wait," asari counselor Tevon turned toward her, eyes slightly narrowing. "Something is not right here. You said there were Cerberus troops in the elevator. Where are they?"

Shepard suppressed a sigh._ And back to the doubting, are we? "_I have no f- idea." Swearing was a habit hard to avoid in these bleak days, but she tried to at least refrain from it when talking with officials and authorities. Even though the Council deserved their very own brand of name calling. Ignorant bunch.

"They were," Bailey chimed in. But they were fleeing through the keeper tunnel as soon they noticed we were on their heels. Sorry councilor, I say it plain and clear, Shepard has just saved the lot of you."

"Then...you have saved my life _twice_ now." The turian councilor stepped forward and she needed to be no expert in alien body language to notice how uncomfortable these words made him. "And I owe you a thanks. On personal behalf and one for Palaven."

"Yeah," Shepard gave away a snort. "Too bad it always takes so _much_ to convince you. Same for the Reaper threat. I wished the claim wouldn't have been dismissed so easily before." She suppressed the sudden, unexplainable urge to airquote him. The frustration about their outright denial until the very possible moment still sat ill with her, even a year later.

"We...were unsure before," the asari confessed.

_No shit_.

"I think the word you search for is _ignorant_, councilor." _Oops._

Tevon's mouth snapped open to answer, but she was tagged along by Bailey, urging her more or less gently into the elevator. "Alright, lets clear the area, folks. I have hundreds of places more to secure than just this one here. Cerberus was throughout in their destruction, that is for sure."

Being in an elevator together with the remaining member of the Council _and_ Kaidan was all shades of awkward. Especially because she still was furious at him and couldn't damper this encompassing feeling of disappointment, no matter how hard she tried to slip not out of her perfected role of Commander Fucking Shepard.

"Do you know what Cerberus wanted to achieve by overtaking the Citadel, Commander?" the turian councilor asked and Shepard blinked up to him, torn away from these thoughts.

No." A steadying breath and she looked pointedly over to Kaidan. "No, I _don't _know that. But I plan to find out."

And then it wouldn't end pretty for them, that much was sure.

Councilor Tevon nodded. "Good, we hope you find something, Commander."

Shepard kept her face straight and her eyes away from Alenko, who did the same, but the tension was still palpable."Yeah. Me too."

It was so goddamn frustrating, their whole relationshi – no, _situation_, as it wasn't more than this anymore– a single, huge _clusterfuck_. She needed a clear head, couldn't allow herself to get so emotional about him, nor about his constant doubts toward her. Not in the time of a freaking _galactic_ war. Nevertheless, wanted she nothing more than to shake and scream at him or ram him biotically into the nearest wall. But this was neither the time, nor the place for it and it was better to reserve her wrath for Cerberus and the Reaper.

As soon the doors of the elevators flew open, Bailey guided the Council outside, armed C-Sec men stood at each side. Wordlessly, Kaidan followed suit, sparing her one last glance as he stepped out of the elevator with them. Shepard didn't look at him, nor left with them. She needed to get to the hospital, to check if Thane was okay.

And even more than that, she needed to be away from _him_.

"Spectre status recognized. Please choose a destination," chirped the elevator's VI. She pressed the fitting button and thankfully the doors closed promptly. Being finally alone, she let herself sink against the elevator's wall with a sigh and allowed herself this moment of weakness as the prior events caught up with her.

The worst part of all was that she still loved him, no matter how much she wished otherwise. Wished it to be _easier_, but this point seemed to be off the list since returning to the ruins of her life from the death. Or it had been never really _there_ in the first place. This knowledge stung and Shepard shook her head in self-mocking disbelief.

_Fuck, I'm a goddamn masochist._

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___**A/N:** I actually had planned to write some fluff, but my angsty brain didn't cooperate that well with this idea and wanted unhappy/angry Shepard, instead. Ah well. And yes I made Kaidan more distrusting than he actually was in my game. It is way more fun this way, story-wise. Review?  
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	6. Epiphany

_**A/N:** Eh, not what I have **planned** to write, but, well, that little fluff thing came out and I guess is a nice set-up for the chapter that follows this one (story line). These are **linked** one shots, after all ;) As always I apologize for any (grammar) mistakes overlooked and thank you all for the reviews, alerts and reads. Special shout out to my fellow monkeys out there. You know who you are and you rock. Enjoy.  
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**Epiphany **

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Shepard was grumpy.

She didn't show it openly, of course. She never did. And yet could Kaidan feel the frustration coming off from her in waves, as soon he caught sight of her. Shepard always seemed so aloof and intimidating toward others, toward people who didn't know her or didn't bother to see beyond the heroic vids of the Elysium Blitz. Kaidan, however, had learned to look past that long ago, was attuned to the little shifts in her mood and body language, to _her_. It was always very subtle and one who hadn't spend months working with her on the ship and battlefield – and, well, getting to know her better than a lieutenant actually _should_ – would have missed it.

He shook his head, lips quirking upward. Or in this case...it was simply slightly more _obvious_.

Flailing wildly with her arm still in a sling, she fought a battle to get into her uniform jacket...and lost. It fell to the ground despite all her prior efforts _not_ to, causing her to glower at it with unaltered hatred.

"Let me help you," Kaidan looked up, seeing some engineers passing by through the mess hall, so he added a brisk,"ma'am."

Her back stiffened at once, as if being surprised to see him here. "Kai – Lieutenant. I thought you were already on your way. What are you doing here?"

"Just trying to spare your jacket the fate of getting shot, ma'am." She arched a single eyebrow, looking faintly amused at his words. "Also it occurred to me that we both have the _same_ way."

He bent down to get her jacket from the ground. Coming up again, he noticed that he stood far too close to her than the protocol allowed. Or maybe it had been her who had closed the gap in between them. Whatever the reasons, he couldn't stop his heart from speeding up a beat. Or hundred.

"So Alenko, not only that you are suggesting I'm unable to dress myself, you also want to escort me to Anderson's appointment ceremony as a councilor? Afraid I wouldn't show up or find the way otherwise?"

Her tone was far from condemning, even bore a playful hint within, which made it harder to step away from her again. The combination of her closeness and the faint scent of soap coming from her was dizzying and frustrating alike. He wanted nothing more than bury his head into her neck, inhaling and tasting this intoxicating mixture and taking her against the nearest –

Well, it was better not to complete this thought, as much he really _wanted_ to. And that was where the frustrating part came in. Since the destruction of Sovereign and Saren, since before Ilos, they hadn't had time for each other, just scattered private moments that were more frustrating than fulfilling, like this one now. And even here and now, almost two weeks after the attack on the Citadel, privacy was nothing but a wishful illusion.

Steadying his breath, Kaidan willed himself to step away from her, but his voice still quavered a bit. "Not at all, Commander. I'm just saying that sometimes a little company might be enlightening and helpful. If you want it." He winced a little as he noticed how _suggestive_ that sounded, and a bit more as a smirk formed itself within Shepard's face.

"A little company, huh?"

Right, he walked directly into that one. He sighed. "Look, I don't mean...well _maybe_, but that is not the point. I didn't know you were here but I was actually hoping to find you here, Shepard. I haven't seen you for a week. And last time, well, Ash's memorial service seemed hardly the right place to talk more...privately."

He leaned toward her with another sigh and helped her into the uniform jacket. Shepard didn't protest against the help for once, but was silent for a long moment. "I'm glad you are here, Kaidan," she eventually said, looking up to him. "The brass is driving me _insane_, really. All these reports I have to write, the official appointed press interviews and council meetings I needed to attend to. You would think that saving the galaxy would allow me to have some free days to recuperate, but apparently for them shore leave meant the three days I was forced to spend in the hospital. It is... – "

"Frustrating?"

"Yeah." She let out a sigh on her own and watched him closing the buttons of her jacket with meticulous precision." I want –" She shook her head."No, never mind, I never get what _I_ want."

"You got _me_," Kaidan blurted out and blinked as he realized his words. "Err, I mean, if you...still want me." He hesitated a moment before adding, "Us."

"_Are you always so cautious with sure things, Lieutenant?"_

"_You know me, I'm always leaving a way out."_

He remembered having told her that not long ago and now he did it again, leaving her a way out. Then again, there hadn't been exactly time to figure out what they were. He just knew what he felt and this had gone long far beyond light flirtation and simple lust. Kaidan was not ready to call it love yet in his mind and thoughts – yet – but there was this unmistakable feeling of warmness and contentedness, whenever she was around and close to him. Being with her, he felt more complete and...human than he ever was without her. As complicated as it was whatever they had, to him it made total sense and was worth the intricacies. Kaidan wanted to be with her and there for her. He would follow her to the end of the galaxy and back. She had never judged him for his past or for what he was. He felt more relaxed, at ease around her and – _oh_.

It was one thing to be mildly aware of the possibility, but a complete another to have the sudden and unexpected _certainty_.

_I love her._

He blinked at Shepard. She blinked back. Then her lips curled into a crook smile, her eyes bright and observing.

She was beautiful.

"Epiphany?"

Kaidan hadn't even noticed being so sunken within his thoughts, but here he was, staring at her in dumbfounded amazement. "Yeah," he eventually managed.

She tilted her head, eyebrow arched in amusement. "A good one?"

"Yeah."

"Well, aren't we enlightened today, lieutenant?" She chuckled and pressed the button of Normandy's elevator to the upper floor. "Too bad you haven't heard a damn thing I was saying then."

"Ehm, sorry?" He smiled. "Request a repeat, ma'am."

"Denied, soldier. But maybe I will repeat those words..." Shepard gave him a look that sent a fire down every nerve in his body. "...in private, Kaidan." He felt like kicking himself for zooming out like that, now he would spend the rest of the day thinking about what these words could have been. And she _knew_ it. Damn her.

"You are such a tease, Shepard."

"Oh, I can do _more_ than just that," she replied in such nonchalance as if talking about the weather and raised a single eyebrow at him.

Kaidan swallowed. Hard._ Damn her._

As soon the doors flung open, she stepped outside without a further word. She remained silent while striding through the CIC of the Normandy and stopped at the airlock, waiting it to be opened. "Ah. I think I just had an epiphany on my own."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, humor me. I figured since I have saved the galaxy, I can disappearing for a couple of days as well. Most of the crew is on shore leave now anyway and the techs still need time to finish the reparation of the Normandy."

"I'm not sure if I can follow you here, Shepard."

She waited until the doors of the elevators to the Presidium closed, before continuing in a perfect calm manner," I have a remote house on a colony planet, no one knows of."

"A house?" Kaidan repeated, dumbly.

"Yeah, or an apartment, more like." She shrugged with her healthy shoulder, the motion let her many pinned on decorations jingle. "Won in a shooting competition once. I have been there just once before. It is nice and quiet there, although the surface temperature is damn hot."

"Ah. ...Okay." He still couldn't tell where she was getting at.

The elevator ride seemed to go on like forever. "So as soon I have given my heroic big ass speech to Anderson and secretly showed Udina the finger, I'm out of here." She smiled at him. "I simply need this sanity check before flying off to a new assignment."

"A sanity check?" His eyebrow furrowed and brown eyes widened slightly as he finally got the meaning of her words. "Wait. You want to... _elope_ from the Citadel?"

"As said, Kaidan, humor me. I already stole the Normandy once and it worked." She must have seen the horror flashing upon his face, because she quickly added, amused." No, _this_ time, I'll use a colony shuttle service, don't worry. And it is just for a few days, anyway."

Finally the elevator arrived and the doors opened. Shepard straightened herself, her expression grew guarded again before she stepped outside. The Presidium was still very much a mess, even with most of the rubble cleared up by now. The ceremony would take place in the smaller, undamaged part of it and as a Spectre and the one who elected Anderson, Shepard had to attend to it. Not to mention that the Alliance brass expected it of her, and him, as part of her crew and Alliance soldier.

Shepard passed a group of workers clearing up the mess Sovereign left behind, quite literally. They recognized her at once and she patiently shook all hand and listened to all well wishes they gave her. Moving on, she turned to him again, her face and tone even. "I'll send you the coordinates and details later. Bring wine." With those words, she sped her steps up to reach the entrance of the hall, shaking hands on her way in an almost stoic calmness and routine.

_Wait, what?_

For a moment, Kaidan stared after her in bewilderment. He was anything but calm, his heart and mind racing. Why was she even telling him..._- oh. _

Another epiphany, the second for him in one day, in fact.

And he liked the prospect of _both_.


	7. Still Alive

_Remember I labeled this story with the "M" rating? Yeah, it isn't only for the excessive swearing of my potty-mouthed Shepard *cough* This chapter, however, follows directly the story line established in "Epiphany"...because if Shepard has an own apartment, why not use it?*ahem* Please handwave the logistic question of horror "how they got there and how they get away from there" like I did, because hey... **smut**. Lol. The first I have written in years, btw *runs away flailing* But hey there is more to the story than just that. And yes, Shepard's arm is healed. Let's call it space magic, since that is a canon method anyway. _

_Anyway, thanks to all for your reads, alerts and reviews, and especially for the sideline cheering of my monkey trio Suilven, Champs and Letticiae. You rock *hugs*_

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**Still Alive**

(Time line: Two weeks after the battle of the Citadel)

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Intai'sai was a hell hole.

Or at least the temperature of this planet was.

Kaidan blinked against the red sun standing low in the orange sky, as he got out of the private shuttle. The intensity of its power was staggering, comparable to the Sahara desert on Earth. And a desert this planet was, for the most part. Shepard surely didn't understate as she said she owned a _remote_ apartment. Amidst the large building, nothing but red sand whirled in the dry, hot but breathable air. The driver of the shuttle – a human belonging to the colony here – still hadn't left and looked at him expectantly. Maybe he even wondered what the hell he wanted to do out here in the middle of nowhere.

Kaidan wondered that, too.

The reason he was on the hellhole of a planet in the first place was Shepard, of course, but it was _crazy_ all the same. Before meeting her, he always thought of himself as a good guy living by the rules and for the life in the Alliance. He stayed away from crazy, because crazy meant having no control over a situation. And he liked to know what happened, to be prepared for _everything_. That was before he eloped off the Citadel to a remote place and relatively _unofficial_ shore leave, of course.

And all because of _her_.

He shook his head and snorted in disbelief. Belatedly he remembered to turn and pay and tip off the driver, which was probably the reason he waited for so long. Kaidan slung his bag over his shoulder and walked forward the apartment, the engines of the shuttle roaring in his back as it left.

_Damn, it is hot. _

He half-regretted to have left his armor in Normandy's armory, the suit's cooling system would have been very useful in an environment like this. While finally arriving at the building, he idly wondered with a kind of odd and self-depriving humor how long it would take until he'd get roasted in this sun, if she'd not open the door.

_Enter your passphrase..._

Kaidan blinked at the screen at the door, dumbfounded. _Well, shit._ A remote place like this and the door had a security system with a passphrase he couldn't remember even if his life would depend on it. Had she even told him the right one? Normally, Shepard wasn't someone who would forget such an important detail. Like himself she was always prepared, her tactical mind and talent for improvisation on the field was unmatched. Which was not much of a surprise, given the fact that Shepard had hold off hundreds of pirates and slavers on Elysium...in her _off-duty_ time and with makeshift equipment.

Wiping the sweat from his forehead, Kaidan took a closer look at the system guarding the door. It wasn't the newest one and he could probably easily hack it, even though it would be, well, kind of impolite. Yet it was better than to fry within Intai'sai's sun any longer and he saw no other possibility to get in. The apartment was surrounded with huge windows from every side, but they seemed to be mirrored since he couldn't see a thing through them. Settling with a sigh to the idea of hacking, Kaidan fired his omni-tool up. If it was any consolidation to him, with his hacking skills it shouldn't take long to get entrance.

In hindsight, breaking in had been a dumb idea in the first place. But breaking into Shepard's apartment was downright _suicidal_. Kaidan blinked at the pistol that quickly got lowered as she finally recognized him.

"Err...hi!" he managed, more than awkwardly, closing the door behind himself.

Shepard arched an eyebrow at him, not at all perturbed by the fact that she was only wearing a towel wrapped around her body, her hair still dripping wet. "You _hacked_ your way in?" Her lips quirked up. "Why am I not surprised?"

"I... – " Kaidan stopped to stare, the male part of his brain momentarily taking over everything else. "forgot the passphrase?" he finally offered, eyes back into her face again. "Honestly, Shepard, this system is too easy to bypass. If you intend to be more often here, you really should consider to upgrade it to a new – " She closed the gap between them and effectively shut him up with a kiss. Its heat shot like liquid fire through each and every one of his nerves, letting him forget everything but her presence. Like a parched man finally finding the oasis, he slung his arms around her and buried his head into the crook of her neck. Surrounded by her warmth and scent, he trailed his way with tongue and teeth down her throat, feeling the thrum of her biotics as a pulse on its own under his lips. He barely registered how their stumbling was stopped by the concrete of a wall, while his hands roamed over her back and down to her ass. The way she shivered, arched her back into him, and the soft sighs coming from her lips were intoxicating. But even though he'd wished it to happen for weeks now, something was off and bothering him in haze of lust.

_Too fast..._

Kaidan broke away from her, breathless. He was positively flaring and even more positively aroused, but he didn't want to fall over her like a wild animal. Taking a deep, trembling breath, he willed his biotics back in place.

Shepard smiled up to him, positively _naked_. The towel obviously didn't survive their more than enthusiastic greeting. His throat worked and he willed himself to look into her face, her warm eyes gazed back in wonder. She reached out for him, her hand rested on his stubbled cheek and the breathing deliciously accelerated. "Hey Kaidan."

He leaned into her touch, eyes momentarily closed. "Hey."

"What is wrong?"

"Nothing." Kaidan let out a shaking sigh and kissed her wrist. "I... just want to do this right."

Shepard glanced down at herself, then at him and laughed." This is as right as it can get, if you ask me." She paused, as he frowned at that. "Alright, Kaidan. You want to settle in here first? Maybe a shower? The combination of wind and the red sand on this planet is very, err, throughout, after all."

Kaidan nodded, thankful. She knew him too well. Even though the prospect of having his wicked way with her against the wall had its very own appeal, he wanted to savor it and taking his time. He respected her too much for...otherwise.

"I'm glad to be here, Shepard."

He couldn't tell her how much it took him to overcome the doubts to even taking this trip and letting his duty slide. But then again, she probably already knew.

"Alison," she said, reclaiming the towel from the ground and put it back in place.

His eyebrows drew together. "What?"

"My name. For close friends and family, but sadly no one calls me that anymore."

"You want me to –" Used to call her Shepard as he was, this almost seemed sacrilegious. And very intimate.

"Yes, in private." She placed a kiss in between his brows, easing the frown away. "And I'm glad you are here, too, Kaidan."

_Alison._

He liked the sound of it in his mind.

The sudden warmth rushing through him had nothing to do with arousal and everything with affection. Kaidan looked at her in amazed wonder. "I –..." _love you. You are the most amazing woman I have ever met. To me you are a goddess, fierce and beautiful alike. No matter if you are in BDU'S on board or dust-stained and sweaty amidst the firefight. You respect and accept me for who I am and I have never felt more alive than with you._ He wanted to tell her that, but out came, "...brought whiskey."

He winced at these totally _different_ words tumbling out.

"That is...good, too." She looked at him, amused. "Biotics should burn through it in no time, anyway. Now go and don't take too long. I will wait."

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~V~

.

Kaidan had been always proud of the fact of being a thorough man, no matter what he did.

He was glad about the chance to clean up – sticky with red sand and sweat as he was – yet was this shower probably the quickest and shortest in his life. While he possessed a nearly inhumanly amount of self-control honed by the simple necessity of being a powerful biotic, he couldn't forget that there was an almost naked woman next door _waiting_ for him. Nor could his body, for that matter. The awareness of finally being able to be close to _her_ rekindled the momentarily suppressed desire to a new fire that went straight to his groins.

_So much for subtlety,_ he thought dryly and reached for the widest pants in his pack. If things would proceed like they had started, he wouldn't wear them for long, anyway. He winced. _Hopefully_.

"Well, that was quick..."

Shepard sat crossed-legged on the edge of the bed and smiled at him. Her hair was tousled and she only wore an oversized shirt that suspiciously looked like his. His skin was still more dripping than just damp and the apartment's built in cooling system reminded him all too clearly of that fact, but he didn't care. He couldn't stop staring at her. She was, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He wanted to tell her that, but out came: "Is that..._my_ shirt?"

The smile widened to a grin. "Yup."

Kaidan grimaced. What was it with her and reducing him to an inarticulate idiot? Beside being completely naked underneath the blue standard Alliance fabric, of course.

Which reminded him.

He took a few purposefully strides to cross the room, taking the place in. "Big place. You really won this in a shooting competition?"

"Yup."

"Who is so insane to compete with you in _shooting_?"

Shrugging with a chuckle, Shepard beckoned him, her voice low. "Come here."

Kaidan was happy to comply, finally closed the remaining gap between them. The one that had been there for weeks, for _too long_. Being so used to only admire her from a distance, it took her words to remind him that she actually was _in reach_.

And even much more than just that.

His arms slung around her form, all toned muscles and yet so soft, so very _her_. She scooted closer to meet him halfway, pulling him to herself and crushed her lips into his in a fervor that belied her prior casual demeanor. Her legs wrapped around his waist, causing him to groan into her mouth as his hardness met the heat of her center, the fabric in between now more than bothersome. Kaidan stilled as he shivered with the effort to keep his hips from snapping forward, to grind into more of the delicious closeness and warmth his body sought.

"Shepard..." It was more of a whispered warning against her mouth than the reverence of her name. He felt himself slipping out of control and losing himself into her. His biotics flared against his will and that _scared_ him. She broke away from him to playfully nibble on his lower lip before peppering kisses across his jawline and down his throat.

"Alison..." That made her momentarily pause. "I don't want to–" He swallowed, one hand clawed into the fabric of her – _his_ – shirt, struggling.

"Shh, it is alright, Kaidan." Her breath was hot and erratic at his ear. Everything about her was deliciously warm, inviting. The pressure of her body against his, the pulse of her own biotics he was so acutely aware of and even more the point where their hips brushed together. She leaned back to look at him with half-lidded eyes, her hand affectionately cupped his cheek.

"Let it go. I can handle it."

As if to prove her point, her hand flared in blue and white, much more dimmed in intensity than his, but not in its beauty. Slowly, her fingers roamed over his neck down and over to the sides of his bare, damp back, using controlled static against his skin in a most wonderful way. Kaidan leaned forward and nuzzled the pulse point on her throat, as he shivered under her touch, enjoying its impact.

He drew back to look at her, his mind and gaze hazed by desire. His expression was mirrored in her face. Reaching out, he run a hand reverently from her shoulder to her waist and her hip. Feeling first the soft swell of her breasts underneath the fabric, then the tautness of her tight, sleek abdomen and the flare of her hips.

"Lis...You are..." _Beautiful._

Smiling, she stopped him as he tugged at the hem of the shirt and removed it quickly on her own accord. Her hands hushed frantically over his back and down to his butt, taking the pants down after resting there for a moment. Kaidan helped her in her intent, was more than eager to get rid of the bothersome fabric. He leaned forward to kiss her, catching her lips gently and sweeping his tongue across hers, and after a few moments of languorous movement, felt her fingertips running over the length of him. Head lolling back, he groaned and heard her smiling at that, even as he flared brightly...or _because_. She wasn't afraid of this, of him. She wasn't Rahna or one of the few women he had been with, always holding back this part of him. Always afraid to lose control, to let go, but with her he could simply _be_.

He loved her.

Crawling backward, she lay down, back flush with the soft linens and he eased himself over her, his weight shifted on his elbows. His fingertips glided up from her perfectly toned thigh over her rips to the swell of her bosom, cupping and rolling a thumb over the soft, sensitive skin. It drew the most amazing sound from her, even more as his mouth diverted attention to the other breast. Her hips arched upward, seeking the closeness and friction of his hardness, distracting him.

"Kaidan..." Her moan sounded like a plea, although she never would say _please_ just like that.

He drew away from her breast and mapped the texture of a crescent scar on the ribcage underneath with his tongue. Kaidan intended to learn every single story behind the scars on her body that belonged to her like the soft, unblemished skin.

But there would be time for it later.

Now his hand descended to the wet heat of her center, a movement she eagerly met with bucked hips, making him fully aware of the urgency that had built up between them. Once sunken into her, Kaidan knew that even with his amount of self-control he wouldn't last long, no matter how much he wanted to draw it out and savoring every part of her.

"Kaidan..." It sounded like a warning, hissed between pressed lips, to not let her wait any longer.

Once more, he was happy to comply to her wishes, as he would without a sliver of doubt and complete trust follow her orders on the battlefield. Every thought but the feel of her around him, _underneath_ him, writhing and panting, fled his mind as he slid inside her. This closeness was utterly blissful completion, perfect in every form. His lips found hers in a searing kiss as he started to move in a languorous pace, reveling in every hitch of her breath, every moan drawn from her form, and hearing his own.

Gently, Shepard touched his cheek as she looked at him, eyes dark with lust and sparkling with the biotic energy underneath.

" Kaidan," She paused to bite her lip to swallow a groan as a shiver rippled through her, yet couldn't completely hinder the escaping sound. Which was perfect, too. Her eyes, however, never left his.

"I love you."

He startled awake and for one delicious moment in his confusion, Kaidan believed to find her next to him. But the pillow beside him was empty. Of course.

A dream.

It had been nothing more than a blissful memory conjured by his mind, which was still unable to grasp the fact of her being..._gone_. This awareness let the ache in his groin bloom over his whole being and gripped around the Shepard-sized hole in his chest in a fiery intensity.

Kaidan sat up and let his hand sank into his hands. Sunlight spilled in patches into the darkness of his room and the chirping of birds heralded a new day.

He didn't care.

It was a month now since this damn lying charade of a funeral service. Sixty-three days since his world, all of his hopes and dreams went down with the wreckage of the Normandy. With _her_.

Kaidan was back in Vancouver and relieved from duty ever since an Alliance psychologist – this _fucking_ psychologist– tried to dictate him how he _had_ to feel about his former CO. Kaidan lost it and left the practice in ruins with the man running away, screaming. And for one single moment that was glorious, _satisfying_.

They send him back to Earth afterward, to vacation. Emotional unstable, traumatized was what they called it officially. Yeah, he was finally the L2 that everyone _expected_ him to be.

_Fuck it._

He rubbed his hands through his face, trying to banish the pictures of his dreamed memory from his mind. Each of them were more painful than the last and together a multitude agony of the things that he'd lost and of things that _could have been._

Intai'sai.

They had four days, _only_ four _blissfully and wonderful-but-way-too-short-_ days before the Alliance cracked their whip and ordered her back aboard. And into her death.

Kaidan scowled at the light cracking through the blinds, hated the sound of nature and life beyond the window that appeared to mock him. Without her, his world was bleak, _empty_ and the busy, lively world outside jarring in comparison.

He should have stayed with her, disobeying her _fucking_ order to leave. He should have saved her. _Could_ have. So why hadn't he?

_Kaidan, I love you..._

Her voice still haunted him as an echo in his mind, a self-inflicted torture by his dream. His head fall back into his hands as he tried to keep the grief and anger at bay, but utterly failed.

_Why have you left me, Lis? _

_And why am I still alive?_

_.  
_

_.  
_

* * *

_.  
_

She was warm, comfortable.

Sprawled over the bed, gloriously naked and next to the man she loved, the galaxy was a most beautiful place. Lazily, she scooted closer to him and smiled as she found him still sleeping, even faintly snoring. He was gorgeous.

"_Shepard!"_

It seemed as if someone was calling her, but since all around her was still, she ignored it and pushed it aside as side effect of the too much whiskey they had last night. Intai'sai's sun was gleaming in a furious red-orange through the windows without its heat, a wonderful sight if one had the mind for it. Shepard didn't care. Leaning over, she trailed languorous kisses across his muscled chest, mapping the crisscrossed way of his scars with her lips.

"_Wake up, Shepard."_

Again, the voice in the back of her skull, making her look up, but there was only Kaidan, still asleep. She winced as she leaned her head onto his chest, confused. Had her body always ached so much?

"_You have to get up!"_

Her vision blurred and no matter how much she rubbed her eyes, Kaidan was dissolving behind a cloud of haze. Gunfire and explosions suddenly rang in her ears in a deafening volume. Heat and pain shot through her body, and then she woke up with a gasped start.

_Kaidan?_

Blinking against the blinding light, she noticed confused that she lay on some sort of table. _Who_ was that voice? _Why_ was she here? Hadn't she been with Kaidan just moments ago?

And then she remembered, memories assaulted her in a fiery light and agony. The Normandy had been attacked by a foreign ship and she had saved Joker before an explosion catapulted her out into the deep void of space. She remembered the moment her suit's system failed to work and her last despaired, gasping breath before her world blacked out, lungs burning.

_How...-_

"I know that your scars haven't healed yet, but you _have_ to get moving. The facility is under attack. Grab your armor and the pistol on the side. I will help you as good as I can to escape."

Shepard reacted mechanically, still too dazed by the sheer _everything_ the N7 soldier within her took over and donned the armor without thinking. She needed to get to the source of this female voice, needed _answers_.

Most of all to the question how she could be still alive when she had _died_.


	8. Beautiful

_**A/N:** Eh, gotta go back to an earlier chapter and change the point about the Normandy starting at the Citadel. I knew it wasn't right canon-wise, but I ran with it. Though it is much more fun to see the characters reacting to its view and seize for the first time. So yeah sorry for any inconsistency there. Time line is here a bit after "Coincidences" with a bit more background on Lis and the early stage of getting to know a certain Lieutenant. A lot of foot in the mouth is involved in achieving this, though. Lol. _

_Thanks to Graceyn, Letticiae and Suilven for the reviews last chapter. Keep it coming ;D Hope y'all enjoy.  
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* * *

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**Beautiful**

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**

"Dr. Chakwas, is the Commander-"

Kaidan stopped in mid-sentence, as the woman looked up at him in a more exasperated way then the approximately five times before. Or ten times. Somewhere along in his worry for the Commander he had lost count, but it was obvious that the doc had _not_. Hell, he wouldn't be surprised if she would hide his migraine meds the next time he needed them, just to pay him back for his persisting _nagging_.

He couldn't help it.

Hours had passed since the _FUBAR_ mission that Eden Prime had become and the Commander was still unconscious. His gaze swept over to her, lying unmoving in one of these cots and in the same position since his first visit. Her face was pale and sweaty and still grimed from Eden Prime's dirt, but at least the armor had been removed to make it more comfortable for her. Seeing her like this made it hard to believe that she was a battle-hardened soldier with the more than rare N7 rank, though Kaidan knew better than to be fooled by her seemingly harmless appearance. She was one hell of a fighter. It was one thing to read the non-classified bits of her impressive service record, but an entirely other to see her in action and fight at her side.

"You worry too much, Lieutenant." Dr. Chakwas' words had a strange undertone that he couldn't exactly pinpoint. Amusement, perhaps? "The Commander will be okay. Her life signs are all normal, except for the heightened brain activity and rapid eye movement. Which is just a sign of intense dreaming." She looked up to him. "Can you tell me more about this beacon, Lieutenant?"

"Something must have set it off when I came too close to it." Kaidan swallowed, feeling a pang of guilt rushing through him. "She shoved me aside and got captured by its...light? Electronic impulse?I'm not sure what it was. Then she was pushed back, the beacon exploded and she is unconscious ever since."

Damn him and his eager curiosity when it came to all sorts of tech. He knew it would bite him in the ass someday and now the Commander was paying for it, whereas it had been all _his_ fault.

_Approaching an ancient prothean beacon heedlessly? Wow, great idea, Alenko._

"I see." Dr. Chakwas startled him out of his thoughts. "Well, we should be glad then that the Commander acted like she did. I'm not sure what this kind of impulse would have done to your L2 implant, Lieutenant."

Kaidan winced. Right, not only that he stupidly ran toward this thing and disregarding every sane thought warning him _not to_, he also nearly fried his own brain in the process. Wow, this was getting better and better with the minute. He frowned. "And what about the Commander? I, uhh, mean she is a biotic, too."

"She is an L3, but even her implant got a bit rattled. So she has to keep the biotics offline for a bit." She must have seen the horror washing over his face for a moment, because she added with a reassuring smile, "It's nothing serious."

_Yeah, it is quite relieving that I didn't manage to kill my XO in the first ground mission,_ he thought, dryly.

"Is there anything else, Lieutenant?" The way Chakwas fixed him with her eyes and the tone of her voice were a dead give away that she had run out of patience with him. Sitting down next to her desk, she began to write her medical reports.

"I, err, probably should get back to work, then."

Kaidan was half out of the door, as she once more raised her voice. "No one knew what would happen. Don't blame yourself. I'm sure the Commander knows that, too."

He smothered the urge to sigh and nodded vaguely into Dr. Chakwas' direction instead.

_If only things were _that_ easy. _

Though the word 'easy' seemed to have been erased from his life, ever since he'd set a foot on board of the Normandy SR1.

Walking toward the control panel he needed to adjust, Kaidan shook his head and tried to sort the events of the last day out. Geth beyond the Perseus Veil, the beacon, a destroyed colony and a rogue Spectre. Not to mention Jenkins' death and, oh, a dead _Spectre, _as well.

This mission was all shades of screw up and gone wrong. But the worst part of it was probably that he had the nagging feeling that _this_ was just the beginning.

.

.

* * *

.

"Ouch. Shit, twenty-nine years of my life and I'm still not used to metal and static _bitching_ with me."

Kaidan heard the Commander before he even _saw_ her and his lips quirked involuntary up at her colorful words. It was kind of odd to hear her complaining about the usual electric static whenever a biotic touched metal, after she nearly got her brain _fried _by a beacon.

Taking a much needed break, he sat in a dormant mess hall in front of his bland, but practical standard meal. The fifth and last for today, thankfully. After an extended SitRep with Captain Anderson, he needed a quiet spot to let the situation sink in. Not that his contemplating made the status of it any better, but to come clear with the actual state helped to avoid a massive migraine.

He had noticed that they had set course to the Citadel, though the Captain refused to give any commentary. Though with one rogue and one _dead_ Spectre on Eden Prime, it wasn't really hard to put one and one together to know _why_. And due to Kaidan's recommendation in the Commander's absence, the Captain had decided that Gunnery Chief Williams would stay on board and take the spot in the crew Jenkins' death left vacant. Which was one good thing, at least. Williams was an ably soldier and after losing her whole unit it would have been simply cruel to send her away again. If only her mouth wouldn't fire as quickly as her weapon...

Belatedly, Kaidan remembered that it was his XO coming around the corner and sprang to his feet, saluting.

"Oh." Shepard blinked at him, seemingly surprised.

Kaidan blinked back, confused of her reaction. "Ma'am?"

In a matter of a second or two, she regained her bearings and squared her shoulders, face carefully neutral. "At ease...Lieutenant. I wasn't expecting someone here, that is all."

"I, uhh... _am sorry_. He refrained from saying it out loud, feeling it would be the wrong first thing to say upon seeing her since Eden Prime. Even though he wanted to say it ever since carrying her back to the Normandy. He felt guilty for what happened to her. "...am glad you are back on your feet, Commander."

Well, that wasn't any better. The woman up in front of him was a hardened N7 soldier, not a prissy damsel in distress fainting at every shocking bit, after all.

"Oh?" she repeated, tone indicated it being a half-question now.

"I mean with losing Jenkins, the situation on Eden Prime and the beacon. It was hard on the crew. I'm glad to see we didn't lose you, too, ma'am."

"I see." She let out a faint sigh, though instantly was her even expression back in place. Then, she wandered off without a further word and for a moment Kaidan panicked to have offended her somehow. It turned out that she only vanished to get her very own high-calorie standard meal and returned to sat down at the table across of him, much to his surprise.

The Commander frowned at her plate. "I hate losing people on my watch, really. I wish I could have done something to save him."

"I was there and you have done _everything_ right. No one had expected to find Geth there, of all things, or one Spectre killing the other. With Jenkins, that poor kid, it was simply bad luck, but not your fault, Commander."

"Bad luck, huh?" The arched eyebrow vanished as soon as it came, her voice without any infliction. "I'm sure the Council won't accept that as reason why Nihlus is dead as well."

Kaidan couldn't pinpoint why, but with her aloof attitude, he always had the feeling to say the wrong things. She truly was a bit...intimidating. "Well, at least you hindered Saren from wiping out the whole colony. But you are right, the Council won't be happy about how the mission went, with one of their Spectres gone rogue. Is this why we are heading toward the Citadel, ma'am?"

"Good grasp of the situation, Alenko." She gave him a little approving nod. "The captain hopes the ambassador gets a meeting with the Council. They must hear what happened."

He mirrored the gesture, somehow glad to get some kind of feedback after all. She still was a bit pale or it was indeed her natural complexion, he couldn't say for sure but beside that, the Commander was looking as neatly as if she never had passed out for almost a day. Her BDU's hadn't even one crinkle and the auburn hair was back-combed and meticulously fixed behind her ears. Even though it was long by military standard, it gave her face a stern note, which was fitting to her, somehow. Or it was her carefully blank, aloof expression that literally screamed not to mess with her.

Belatedly, Kaidan noticed with horror that he was _staring_ at her in his attempt to figure out what for a person his new XO was. He couldn't help but to be...curious, on a purely professional basis, of course. His last assignment was on the SSV Madrid and there the executive officer had been more or less, well, an arrogant ass, who looked down at him for being a biotic. Being not used to work with one he did it maybe not intentionally, but it was noticeable nonetheless. So Kaidan kept his distance, followed orders and did his job as it was required, nothing more. But every new assignment was a new chance to make things differently and, well, with the commander being a biotic herself, he at least didn't need to fight against the usual superstitious encountering him, especially as a L2. It could be a nice start for a healthy, professional working relationship, but it was too early to say this yet.

She picked a bit at the food on her plate, hadn't eaten one bit of it yet. "Ugh, these mashed potatoes look like a pile of sticky glue," he heard her mumbling under her breath. "I wonder if it is hold together by a mass effect field, since this is the biotic ration."

He smiled a bit at that. "It is better not to watch too closely what you are eating there, ma'am."

"True. It is a step up from the tasteless power bars, but I still miss the times where I had enough R&R to cook for myself. Haven't done that in ages- Wait...are _these_ supposed to be peas?"

It was hard to imagine her standing in a kitchen, being a woman who made sniping an enemy from an impossible far distance look all too easy. Though Kaidan knew better than to comment upon this particular piece of observation."I suppose it is something similar, ma'am."

"Oh? Similar, it is?" The scarred eyebrow made its reappearance, as she raised it in a bit of...amusement? _Huh, curious_. "You'd think in my eleven years of serving I got used to the Alliance food by now. But some things never cease to be odd."

"Like static when touching metal?" It shot out of of his mouth before he could stop himself and he had to suppress the urge to flinch. So quickly he added a bashful,"Ma'am."

"Yeah." She didn't sound offended. Diverting her attention back to the food to actually eat it, she fell silent for a long moment, before speaking again. "So Lieutenant, I heard you are a L2?"

There it was. The inevitable, loathed question Kaidan _always_ encountered. He did his best not to sigh. "I can ensure you, Commander, that my implant isn't compromising the way of me being capable to do my job aboard or on a ground mission. I'm certain Dr. Chakwas...-"

"This wasn't what I have implied with my sentence, Lieutenant," she interrupted him and slightly narrowed her eyes. "I was down there with you and you are clearly capable of handling yourself just fine. And it was Dr. Chakwas who told me that the implants are causing heavy migraine attacks from time to time..."

Kaidan was sure that the Commander had read his file and any of the other crew members. Why did she talked with Dr. Chakwas about him then? "I cope and it is better than the alternative side effects, ma'am. Compared to severely brain damage, migraines are a walk in the park." He briefly laughed out, but it was missing its humor. "Got lucky, I guess."

"I see." Shepard looked up to him, her expression still was guarded, but less than in the beginning of their conversation. "She also told me that due to your implants it was for the better I shoved you aside as the beacon tried to draw you in."

He didn't even try to hide his frown. "About that, Commander, I'm sorry." There, he finally said it. It was about time. "It was my fault you got tangled up in its grasp and were unconscious for so long. It was unprofessional of me to get so close to the Prothean device."

"I appreciate your honesty, but don't beat yourself up about it, Lieutenant. You couldn't possibly know what would happen. None of us could." She drank from her mug that contained some unhealthy looking pitch black coffee. "Hell, the whole mission was a giant mess of _FUBAR_ and lack of intel. I hate going in blind in a zone like that. At least not without enough grenades."

"Though from what I heard of your service record, ma'am, you are excellent in improvisation, as well." Kaidan saw her expression darkening and idly wondered if bringing this topic up had been wrong. "I mean, you have defended a whole colony against slavers in your off-duty time, Commander."

"I just did my job, Lieutenant." Her sudden harsh tone confirmed his suspicion. "Off-duty or not. I could hardly leave these people on Elysium to their fate. As for succeeding in defending them, thankfully, I'm _good_ in my job."

"Still, it was an impressive feat, ma'am," he tried to acquiesce her. "It must have brought you every post in the fleet."

"I _chose_ to serve, Alenko. As a biotic and regular Navy brat with my parents both being in the Alliance the choice to enlist was a no-brainer. But that war hero stuff is just bull invented by the press and Alliance, so that they have a damn poster girl for their agenda." She shrugged." I couldn't care less. So I would appreciate if you stop making a fuzz about it, Lieutenant."

Kaidan blinked, confused by her reaction. While he appreciated her non-nonsense attitude, he didn't quite understand why she got peeved when being praised for her achievements.

Then it dawned him.

Probably because _everyone_ was doing that. Everyone only saw the war hero in her and not the person behind all that. He could imagine that this larger than life reputation was bounded to get frustrating at times. And somehow was relieving to know that contrary to popular belief even Commander Shepard was only human after all.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean to offend." In an instant, the tension left her posture. To guide the conversation into another direction, he verbalized the question that had been nagging in the back of his head since the end of the ground mission. "Commander, if you don't mind me asking...you are a biotic like me, yet on Eden Prime, I...err, haven't seen you using your powers. Why?"

She fixed him with a stare that was part amusement and part bewilderment. "Are you always so curious about your superior officers, Lieutenant? Or concerned about their abilities on the battlefield?"

_Critical situation. Code red! Abort! Aaaaboort,_ wailed a sudden, little voice in his mind.

"Not at all concerned, ma'am, by a far stretch." He tried a little smile that hopefully would keep her from shooting him. "Maybe a bit curious, I confess, since I simply like to know with whom I'm working with."

_Liar. You don't do that normally,_ accused him the little voice. And much to his dismay, he had to confess that this accusation was _right_. He usually didn't go out of his way and talked much with the crew, if it wasn't needed. Kaidan had a few close friends and got along just fine with Joker and a few others, but he wasn't exactly what one would call a social guy. So why was he doing all this for his XO now?

"Oh?" She inclined her head, ever so slightly." Well, Alenko, I'm not here for your amusement, but I since you are a biotic yourself I will humor your curiosity. _This_ time." The Commander took a deep breath and leaned back in her seat. "I have asked you about your implant, because usually I would be a L2 too. Though since I'm a late bloomer with my biotics, I only got chipped with seventeen, just one year before I enlisted. So obviously I'm a L3, but I never spiked very high anyway. Hence I trust my skills with the weapons a lot more in a battle than my underdeveloped biotics. Reverting to them is always only Plan C."

"I see." While Kaidan couldn't imagine that for himself with biotics being such a huge part of his life, it made sense for her, somehow. "And what is Plan B?"

Her lip quirked up, if only for a moment. "To blow shit up."

"That is indeed an effective plan, ma'am," he said, amused by her answer."Thanks for humoring me, by the way, but I should better get back to my post now."

The Commander stood up from her place as well. "You are welcome, Lieutenant."

.

.

* * *

.

"So...what are you thinking about the Commander, Alenko?"

Joker looked over to his place at his right in the cockpit and grinned at him. Kaidan had to smother the wish to roll his eyes. He already had a hunch _what_ Joker's intention was with asking this question and wasn't in the mood to indulge him. So instead of answering, he concentrated back on the task watching over Normandy's systems. Sometimes it was better to simply ignore him, maybe he would give up on his own accord.

Just this once.

Then again, this was _Joker_. The guy who loved gossip more than an average Asari waitress in a human cafe.

"Ah, come on, you can't have _no_ opinion, man." The helmsman sighed into his direction before turning his head straight ahead again. "I mean you have seen her, right? She has a bit of an ice queen thing going on, but damn she is definitely a looker."

Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut, his posture tensing. "Joker, you are aware that you are talking about our superior officer here? Just checking, in case you have forgotten that."

The pilot shrugged. "Doesn't change the fact she has a nice ass. You can't tell me you haven't noticed that."

"No..."_ Liar_, the little voice resurfaced in his mind with unmistakable mischievous glee. _You were totally checking her out as she walked away from the mess hall. _"But I do noticed that she is a N7 and can break you into half like a dried twig."

He grinned up to him." Well, with this body of hers, she can break me anytime."

"Oh hello, Commander," Joker said in a by way of greeting only moments later, completely unfazed whether she heard his comment or not. "Good timing. I was just about to bring us into the Citadel. You know, to see this taxpayer money at work."

Shepard didn't say a word, just crossed her arms and looked out of the cockpit's front window. Ashley, who stood beside her, smirked knowingly at them, causing Kaidan to sink a bit lower into his seat.

_Abort! All men flee from board. Code red! Ruuuun!_

Despite his inner panicking voice, Kaidan attempted to stay calm and simply stop existing for the duration of this very awkward and possibly life-threatening moment. Fortunately, the advancing sight of the Citadel was just the distraction he needed. And what an impressive sight it was. Kaidan wasn't a man who was easily impressed, but the Citadel was a breathtaking view on its own right, and he couldn't help but staring at its gigantic scope, the lights..._everything_.

"Look at the size of that thing!" William's mouth stood agape, as she pointed at an enormous ship they passed by.

The knowledge that he wasn't the only one acting like a FNG was somehow relieving. "This is the Destiny Ascension, Citadel's flagship," he felt obliged to mention. The Commander still hadn't said a word and simply stood there in a stoic manner, watching. Her utterly unimpressed manner was unnerving and not only just a little terrifying.

"Well, seize isn't anything," Joker noted with a small smile."You need firepower, too."

"Are you kidding?" Williams answered, shaking her head. "This is a _monster_. It's main gun could easily rip through a kinetic barrier of every Alliance ship and call it a day."

"Well, let's be glad it is on our side then," Kaidan deadpanned, his fingers flying over the console as he issued the needed commands to the control system.

"Citadel control, this is SSV Normandy," Joker said through the comm, highly concentrated on his task now."Requesting permission to land."

The answer promptly followed. "Standby for clearance, Normandy." A short pause. "Clearance granted. You may begin your approach. Transmitting you to an Alliance operator."

"Roger that, Alliance tower. Normandy out."

A moment later another voice crackled through the comm. "Normandy, this is Alliance tower. Please proceed to the dock 422."

It was only as the ship safely landed on its supposed dock, that the Commander raised her voice. "Alenko, Williams; suit up and meet me at the CIC with the captain in ten." Not even waiting for a reply, she turned and left.

Joker breathed out, obviously pleased with himself. Then he arched an eyebrow into the Commander's direction. "Is it just me or got it a lot colder in here just now?"

"Skipper isn't easily to impress, huh?" Williams smirked. "Figures."

Kaidan blinked at her. "Skipper?"

"Yeah." She patted him on his shoulder, smile widening. "Don't worry, L.T., I won't tell her that you were ogling her ass just now...Sir."

Kaidan blanched and blinked some more, now in the direction of the leaving Gunnery Chief. He hadn't. He wouldn't do that. Never. She was his superior officer and it was a matter of respect to not stoop so low and he felt a heat rising to his cheeks. Oh god, he hadn't done that, or?

Beside him, Joker was laughing so hard that he was at a risk to crack a rip or two. Apparently, the pilot didn't care._"_Your moralistic speech that it isn't respectful to check out the XO?" He gasped for air, grinning brightly. "Totally busted, man. Good to see you aren't dead yet and still one of the boys. Got a little bit worried here for a moment, Alenko."

Kaidan gave him a withering look as he sprang to his feet. "I _hate_ you."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Joker waved him off. "Have fun out there."

.

.

* * *

.

Udina was an ass.

There were no more flattering words possible to describe this snake of a man. And normally Kaidan wasn't someone who judged a person so quickly, but here?...Here it was 'pot meets kettle'.

Big times.

"This is _why_ I hate politicians." Williams looked as if she was ready to use her rifle. Shepard looked after Udina as if ready to grab the remaining grenade on her belt and _throw_ it.

He couldn't blame them.

"Well, all the yelling and demanding of the ambassador was unsurprisingly unhelpful."

"You would have done differently, ma'am?" he asked before he could stop himself.

"Yup." The Commander nodded toward him. "Not that it matters anymore, Alenko, but since we only have our reports and ergo our words to convince the council of the legitimateness of Saren's betrayal, is it actually a poor tactic to _yell_ those at them. This won't bring us further. At all. However, I hate politics as much as most people, but if it is one thing I learned it is to salute to everything you can't kill or eat. Also to get the job done while they are still sitting on their asses and discuss how to actually achieve something."

The Chief grinned at her. "By shooting and blowing things up, ma'am?"

Her lips quirked upward, returning the gesture. "I think we will get along just fine, Williams." Then she pointed toward the door, instantly serious again. "Let's move out and see if we can find something before we head to the Citadel tower. Might as well do a quick FNG tour while we are at it."

.

~V~

.

In the Wards they allowed themselves the proclaimed FNG-moment at a viewing bay. Countless ships flew by, the size of the artificial blue horizon was seemingly endless. It went on and on, far beyond what his eyes could register.

"Big place."

As soon they were out, Kaidan sighed inwardly at his own words. Okay, this was the truth, but maybe it wasn't the most intelligent or eloquent thing to say.

Williams looked over to him, one corner of her mouth raising upward."Is that your professional opinion, sir?" He only gave her a pointed look, which didn't bother her in the slightest. _Of course_ she had to pick up his failed attempt at conversation.

For the first time, the Commander seemed to be genuinely impressed, as well. "But it _is_ true. This here is a city, not only a station. The heart of the galaxy...I heard much about it in the vids and rolled my eyes at it. But to truly stand here, is something else."

He nodded, leaning himself on the railing, as he took the sight in. It was humbling. "Indeed, ma'am. There must be _millions_ here. It can't be possible to track everyone who comes and goes."

Williams leaned over the barrier to look down. "This makes Jump Zero look like a Port-A-John, and that's the largest deep space station the Alliance has."

"Jump Zero's big, but this a whole _new_ level." Kaidan agreed, still awestruck in the best FNG-manner, yet for this very moment he didn't care. He wasn't alone with it, after all.

"The Council represents more races than I thought." Shepard said, looking out into the wide horizon. "No wonder they're careful with newcomers."

"They probably just want to keep everything running," Kaidan agreed. "It has to be hard keeping all these cultures working together."

"Or maybe they just don't like humans," he heard Williams say with just a hint of a derisiveness in her voice, yet enough to frown at her.

The Commander didn't miss this tone in her comment, but apparently decided to give it a lighter note. "Why not? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love...according to the old vids, we've got everything they want."

Kaidan looked over to her and his mouth worked _before_ he was even aware of the words tumbling out. "Well, when you put it that way, there's no reason they wouldn't like _you_."

_Abooooort! Ruuuuuun! _

Time seemed to stand still as she blinked at him with undisguised bafflement and the horrified realization of the meaning of his words was excruciatingly slow. "Uh... For another felt eternity his mouth stood agape before his brain had mercy with him and reestablished the connection in order to salvage the _fubar_-situation somehow.

"I mean 'us'. _Humans_. Ma'am."

Kaidan quickly averted his gaze from her and rubbed his neck in embarrassment. His mind was unable to grasp _what the hell _just happened. Except the cold, hard fact that he made himself to an utter and complete idiot in front of his commanding officer, of course. He didn't just call his XO inadvertently _beautiful_, right? This had to be one of these bad dreams and every moment he would wake up –

His stream of thoughts were interrupted by Williams' snort. "You don't take much shore leave, do you, L.T.?

_This_ was the point where he realized that he, in fact, did just _that_.

_Oh. My. God._

While his newly developed inner voice giggled in devious glee at him, he did all _but_ to look at his Commander. It was beyond awkward. "I...uhh Kaidan started in the incomprehensibly need to explain himself, but was interrupted by the Commander, of all people.

"Alright..." she spoke up, a hint of humor audible in her voice. "Laugh it up, Chief. I _appreciate_ the thought, Alenko, but we are on duty here."

_Wait...WHAT? Did she just...- _

"Err... His head jerked toward her and he blinked in unadulterated _shock,_ as he tried to process the answer given to him. She looked at him, the arched, amused eyebrow made its return, but the smile accompanying it was..._new_. So was her open, curious gaze, her eyes blue like an ocean that –

Williams' let out an even louder snort, looking from Kaidan over to the Commander and back. "I'll walk drag, ma'am."

The Chief's snappy comment undid the moment of...whatever _that_ was. Dazed, Kaidan broke away from these eyes and couldn't decide what was more bewildering: The fact that he called his commanding officer _beautiful –_of all things– Her answer just now... Or the horrifying realization that he actually _meant_ it.


End file.
